


Tales of Inquisitor Bob

by lazbobthing



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bob the Motherfucking Sorcerer, Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, M/M, Modern girl into Thedas trope, Once was pure crack but it grew sentience and plot and angst, Potential body horror in chapter seven, Satire turned actual story? You be the judge, Varric approves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2018-04-29 20:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5141996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazbobthing/pseuds/lazbobthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The 'Modern Girl falls into Thedas' trope, only this time said girl is a high functioning autistic, who can't keep her mouth shut. Thedas is unprepared for Inquisitor Bob, the Motherfucking Sorcerer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Wrath of Deez Nuts

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago, on a distant Fallout Kink meme, there was a prompt about what you would do personally in the role of the Courier of Fallout New Vegas, basically a self insert prompt. I did a series of fills intitled 'The Worst Courier Ever' and I had a lot of fun. Hence, this insanity was born. Thedas is not ready for Bob. No one is ever ready for Bob.

She opened her eyes to insanity.

At least, she thought it was. Last she remembered, she'd been at home, lying on her couch and playing Dragon Age Inquisition, her dog Lily on her lap.  
   
She'd been staring at the breach, from Haven, and suddenly her vision had went nuts, and she'd thought that she was having a stroke, that maybe she was dying. 

Next thing she knew, her eyes were opening to Cassandra and Leiliana storming into the jail.

'Oh, fuck me.' She thought weakly.

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now." Cassandra glared down at her, three times as intense and intimidating in person, compared to how she was when playing the game.

"Didn't do shit, Jesus christ you're intense." She bleated up at her, dizzy from the pain in her palm and overwhelmed by the sheer impossibility of what was happening.

Cassandra stared down at her, Leilana at her side. 

"Excuse me?" The Nevarran demanded, and she winced, clenching her eyes shut. Time to think fast on her feet. She let her eyes roll up into her head, then opened her eyelids half way, and rasped,

"Ancient evil, corrupt and blighted, seeks the throne of gold,  his hands covered in most holy blood, holding red singing chains. Minds not their own, blood on the sand, hole in the sky, a hand reaching up to close-!" She jerked forward, falling onto her face with a whine, hoping she played the part of 'unwilling oracle' well enough.

Silence reigned around her. for a long moment.

"Floor smells like dank." She mumbled, unable to stand the silence. "My face is cold."

"What are you?" Cassandra growled, grabbing her by the hair and pulling her up, making the woman shriek.

"ORACLE! LET GO OR I'LL TELL ANTHONY!" She wailed, screeching as she was abruptly released, falling backwards, Cassandra stepping back with wide eyes. 

"What is an Oracle?" Leilana asked in a wary voice, crouching down to the woman's level.

"Zevran made you laugh. Morrigan would have rather let Alastair dress her then go shopping with you. I know things, I didn't cause the explosion, please stop hurting me." The woman begged, staring at Leilana like a frightened animal, not missing the way Leilana sucked in a sharp breath, as she stood back up. The seeker and spymaster left the room, voices quietly conversing, leaving her alone with the guards.

They returned a minute or so later, Cassandra hauling the fidgeting young woman up, Leilana opening the door. 

"Going to try to seal the breach?" The young woman asked the Seeker, as she was all but dragged out. "I'll help if I can."

"You are very unnerving."  Cassandra sent her a look. "But yes. What is your name?"

The young woman hesitated, cheeks flushing.

"Bob. S'just Bob." She answered after a moment, in a small voice.

"A strange name for a strange woman." Cassandra muttered, as they came to the bridge, cutting Bob's bindings free.

"Thank you?" Bob replied uncertainly, taking meek steps forward, trying to keep up with the Seeker, which was hard work.

Of course, any possible further conversation was halted by the bridge being destroyed, and the appeared of a demon.

Cassandra charged, Bob shakily getting to her feet, and promptly panicking as another demon appeared, uttering a warbled yowl.

She grabbed the closest object, a staff, and swung wildly, screeching like a maniac.

"MOTHAFUCKA BITCH ASS NO MOUTH HAVING PIECE OF SHIT-"

"BOB." Cassandra's voice made her jump, and she blinked, realising the demon was dead.

"...Jaysus fuck I did it." Bob mumbled, looking bewildered.

"...Perhaps it is best you have a weapon. I cannot protect you." The seeker stared at the woman, who wibbled, swaying slightly.

"How do you know? Y'didn't even try." Mumbled Bob, doing her best to keep pace with the Nevarran.

Their trip passed in silence, when they were not in combat, which was filled with Bob's incoherent panicked screaming, and Cassandra yelling helpful tips.

When they reached the ruins where Solas and Varric were fighting, Bob let out a high pitched 'SCREEEEEE' and ran into battle, managing somehow to set fire to three wisps simultaneously, Cassandra leaping into the fray after her.

The fight was over before she knew it, and Solas, the very Dread Wolf himself, lifted her hand up, shouting "Quickly! Before more come through!"

Closing the rift hurt. It felt as if she was slamming a door closed, and a piece of her, of what made Bob who she was, was caught in the door.

Bob nearly fell over, and swayed, turning and managing to concentrate upon Solas as he spoke.

"Do you howl at the moon? You've made mistakes, but you can't help the people the way you think. All will be explained later." She wheezed, holding his gaze, her eyes both desperate and solemn. Solas stared at her with wide eyes, countless questions in his gaze.

"Later. Please." Bob begged him, and he exhaled a long breath.

"Uh, does she always make this much sense? As in, none?" Varric asked Cassandra, side-eyeing Bob warily.

"Bertrand knows he should have listened to you. It isn't your fault." Bob glanced at him, dazed and still very, very overwhelmed.

Varric stared at her, astonished, and visibly weirded out.

"I like your voice." Bob said in a small voice, shoulders drooping as the young woman did her best to withdraw into herself.

"Enough dawdling!" Cassandra snapped, grabbing Bob by the scruff of her coat, "We need to get to the forward camp!" The seeker began to drag the mage off, Bob staring despondently at the still shell shocked Varric and Solas.

The journey to the forward camp was silent, Bob nearly falling over after sealing the rift in front of the camp. 

Grimacing, Cassandra grabbed her again, dragging her inside,  despite Solas' disapproving look.

Bob barely paid attention to the arguing around her, staring dazedly about.

"You're stupid, and scared, or scared stupid and trying to make the world make sense again. That's not how the world works, best to focus on the big picture." Bob said, gazing at Chancellor Roderick with a disorientated expression. The cleric stared at her, with wide eyes.

"She...She is an Oracle? Like the Champion of Kirkwall, the Hero of Ferelden?" He stammered, glancing at a visibly startled Leilana and Cassandra.

"Oracles are real, then?" The seeker questioned, as the Chancellor fell back against the tent behind him. Varric was looking at Bob in a whole new light.

"Yes...But it does not matter. Call the retreat, Seeker, all hope is lost."

Bob tuned them out again, fidgeting in place and glancing around, catching Varric's eye. She instinctually bristled and gained a deer in headlights expression, which must have looked amusing, given the laugh that it pulled from the dwarf's chest.   
She averted her gaze to Solas, who was staring at her with a doglike intensity.

She mouthed "Fen'Harel" at him, with a small but not fearful expression, tilting her head curiously at the emotion that played out over his face. She glanced meaningfully at the breach, then back to him, arching an eyebrow as she mouthed, "You fucked up."  
The look he gave her made her squeak, and giggle, hand flying up cover her mouth.

Her humor faded as she was abruptly spun around, a squawk leaving her throat.

"Should we charge, or use the mountain path?" Cassandra demanded, glaring down at her. Tall ass Nevarrans. Actually now that she thought about it, everyone except Varric was taller then her.   
She yelped as Cassandra shook her from her daze.

"So viOlent-" She wriggled out of her grip, with a strained whine. 

"Why are you asking me? I'm indecisive as fuck. Demons up the mountain path, charging will be quicker," She rambled, remembering the difference of each choice from her playthroughs. 

"Well, that's answer enough." Leilana noted, with a faint hint of amusement.

"So glad I could be of service." Bob replied in the snootiest voice she could manage, mock turning her nose up.

Any further camaderie she could have formed with Leilana was foiled by Cassandra /dragging/ her off again.

"JeySUS CHRIST why are you MANHANDLING me?!" Bob wailed, as Cassandra tugged her along.

"We have little time, and we are not going to spend it dawdling!" The seeker told her firmly, resulting in a whine from the woman.

-One Breach sealing attempt later-

Bob awoke in a small but cozy cabin, to a very nervous elf, who babbled nonsense about her being the Herald of Andraste before fleeing.

"...Usually I'm the one who flees." Mumbled Bob, blinking after the anxious elf. She carefully climbed off the bed, and caught sight of a mirror, falling over herself to retrieve it.

She stared hard into the glass, one hand touching her face.

"Human...And I guess I kind of look like I used to," She mumbled aloud, tilting her head, and narrowing her eyes. Thick dirty blonde hair, fierce eyebrows, average cheekbones, grey eyes, pale borderline sallow skin, with dark circles under her eyes.

"I look like Cole except not. Also dead but that's normal." She sighed at herself, and put the mirror down, glancing about for a coat or a cloak. It was cold in the cabin, how could would it be outside? Her eyes lit up as they landed on a oversized pile of black and white material, and eagerly picked it up. 

"Fuck yes, Stone Bear Armor!" Bob fist pumped in triumph, and hurriedly moved to put the armor on.

The result was a cozy looking walking cocoon Bob, which was a happy Bob.

She waddled over to the door, opening it warily, and promptly slammed it shut, beginning ri hypervenilate. 

"Too many people. Way too many people." She whimpered, diving fir her bed and making a quick blanket cocoon.

It wasn't long until the door to her cabin opened, and she tensed in her cocoon, fearing Cassandra had come to fetch her.

"Hey, Moony? You all right under all that?" Varric's voice was a welcome surprise, and she wiggled, so she could peek out at the dwarf.

"No. Too many people, holding me up high without even knowing me. People are frightening and dangerous without the idea of me being a holy icon." She mumbled, staring at him miserably.

Varric looked sympathetic, but gestured for her to come out of the mess of blankets, which the young woman did, reluctantly. 

"I'm not right, Varric." Bob said softly, after a moment.

"About what?" The dwarf tilted his head, arching an eyebrow.

"Not like that. I'm not right, in the head, in the soul. I'm sick. Ill. I have been ever since I was born. I'm not who those people out there need, not what they want." She said quietly, staring at her hands.  
   
Varric was quiet, staring up at her.

"Is it fatal?" He asked, after a moment.

"I don't know. The healers, back home, hadn't figured out what was wrong with my brain yet." She confessed, with a little bitter quirk of her lips. "My vision is distorted always, and somedays I cannot leave my bed, the pain in my head is so great."

"I might know someone who could help. And if you're a true oracle, like..." He hesitated, "Like Hawke, maybe it's best to bring a few of my friends in." He rubbed his chin, with a troubled look.

"Anyways, come on, kid, you're wanted in the Chantry." He told her, sighing at the squawk it got him.

"Tell you what, I'll walk you there. I might need you to protect me from the Seeker anyways," The dwarf offered, which drew the blonde out of her blanket cave.

"Promise?" Bob asked in a small voice, getting off the bed.

"I swear on my black little heart," Varric gave her a crooked grin, and she gave him a weak smile in return.

The duo left the cabin, Bob going stiff at Varric's side as a hushed wave of whispers swept through the crowd, the sensation of so many eyes upon her making her twitch.

"I'm right here, Moony, it's all right," Varric murmured by her side, and she shot him a thankful smile, as they made their way to the chantry.

They approached the war room, Varric opening the door for the blonde, and ushering her inside, following her in.

"Chain her! I want her taken to the capital for execution!" Chancellor Roderick snapped, upon seeing Bob.

"Disregard that, and leave us." Cassandra growled, sending a puzzled glance Varric's way.

 Bob tuned the arguing out, fidgeting in place and reaching out to place a hand on Varric's shoulder, to ground herself. He glanced at her hand, but the look in his eyes was one of understanding.

She started, as Cassandra slammed a heavy looking tome down, blinking owlishly as the seeker declared the Inquisition reborn.

Roderick stormed out, and Cassandra turned narrowed eyes to Bob and Varric.

"I don't know where Hawke is. But I know where Anders and Fenris are. We need Anders for Moony, and Fenris to protect her." Varric said bluntly, crossing his arms.

"Why would we need that abomination? Other then to make him pay for his crimes?" Cassandra spat, turning her glare from Varric to Bob, who had wandered over to a chair to collapse in it and clutch at her head.

"I'm sick. It's not the mark, though. I was sick before I came here, before all of this. Something is wrong with my brain, my vision is failing more every day and my head aches, pulses, pounds like a warhammer to my skull. Some days I cannot leave bed, the pain is too great." Bob told the Seeker and spymaster, with an empty expression.

"The healers, where I'm from, are beyond anything of this world, and they still couldn't help me. From what I've heard of Anders, he is one of the most powerful spirit mage/healers in existence. If he can't heal me, maybe he can at least keep me functional." Bob shrugged listlessly, leaning back in her chair, drawing her legs up underneath her.

"Why Fenris, however?" Leilana asked, glancing at a grim Varric. 

"Something tells me we're going to need all the help we can get." Muttered the dwarf in reply.

A week passed, and then two, Bob spending her days with Varric, and occasionally Solas. The elf was surprised at first, especially when the Herald dozed off on him, her head against his shoulder, but grew used to the strange young woman. Her keeping his secrets helped in that regard.

Varric was Bob's truest friend in Haven, however. She loved his stories, his voice, the way he looked after her. She followed him like a lost puppy most days, much to his amusement.

The day finally came, where a scowling white haired elf entered Haven, accompanied by a cloaked man.

"About time, Broody." Varric chuckled, approaching the elf with a crooked grin. He peered up at his companion, and gave a sigh of relief. 

"I'm glad you're both here. Follow me." The dwarf turned on his heel, and the two had no choice but to follow.

He led them to Bob's cabin, and opened the door, glancing about. "You in here, Moony?" He called, Fenris and the cloaked man stepping in behind him.

"Yes." The young woman's quiet voice replied, from the corner, where a fort of sorts had been made with blankets and furs.

"Good to see you've fully embraced your 'Avvar' origins," Varric snorted, crossing his arms. 

"You're hilarious when you're high Rez." A pale hand emerged from the fort with a rude gesture.

"Don't know what that means, Moony." Varric rolled his eyes. "And we're not alone, so you wanna come out of there?" 

A squeak answered him, and Bob emerged from her safe place, clad in the ridiculous beige outfit that Josephine had forced on her.  
The cloaked man let down his hood, revealing the Rebel Mage of Kirkwall, Anders.

Bob squeaked at the sight of him, and again at the sight of Fenris, grey eyes going wide as dinner plates.

The two stared at her, Fenris' eyes narrowing.

"Smaller then I expected." The elf grunted, after a moment.

"They say that about your cock?" Bob replied automatically, before slapping a hand over her mouth.

To her surprise, all three let out a snort, Anders looking surprised and Fenris amused.

Bob whined, and covered her face in her hands.

She jumped as Fenris stepped closer, staring up at him like a startled faun. 

"How old are you, exactly? You look barely eighteen winters." Fenris studied the Herald.

Bob's expression went flat in an instant, and she crossed her arms, glancing at a curious Varric.

"I'm twenty three." She huffed, making to move back into the mess of blankets and furs.

"Sit down, Moony, let Blondie take a look at you," Varric all but ordered, and she obeyed, sitting down on her bed and staring up at Anders, who stared back at her.

"Meow." She said, tilting her head.

"You're a strange one, aren't you?" Anders eyed her, with a surprised sort of smile.

"One way to put it. Mad, sick in the head, touched, all acceptable synonyms." Bob shrugged one shoulder, still staring at him.

"You're much more handsome in person, both of you. Your voices are very nice." Bob noted, watching the way they both blinked owlishly at her in response.

"You wound me, Bob." Varric mock-sighed, hand over his heart.

"Oh please, everyone knows you're the sexiest dwarf in the room." Bob scoffed at him, earning a smirk.

"He's the only dwarf in the room." Fenris snorted, making Varric draw back.

"Ow-ch," The dwarf laughed and shook his head, a grin on his lips.

"Wait, your name is Bob?" Anders gave the woman an odd look, one eyebrow crawling upwards.

She stared back, with an impressively bland expression.

"Yeah. The Herald of Andraste, Bob the Motherfucking Sorcerer." She spread her hands wide in a majestic manner.

"Bob the Motherfucking Sorcerer,  
I think you just gave me the title of my next book." Varric said delightedly, looking tickled pink.

"I want royalties if so, if I even live that long." Bob grumbled, as Anders' hands began to glow, hovering over her and moving slowly.

"I am surprised to see the Herald of Andraste is a Mage." Fenris noted, a undertone of displeasure in his voice.

"You and me both. If it wasn't for Solas, I'd already be possessed or dead, he's been trying to teach me exactly how to mage. Shit keeps blowing up." Bob sighed, propping her head upon a hand, before lying down flat at Anders' silent insistence.

"I suck at everything." Mumbled the Herald, fidgeting as his hands came to hover over her forehead.

"Herald, there is a matter I need to bring to your attention," Cullen barged into Bob's cabin, and froze in place at the sight.

Anders, Fenris, Bob, and Varric all stared back at him, eyes wide.

"Let's face it, this is not the strangest thing you've caught me doing." Bob said carefully, after a long, awkward moment.

"...I find myself paralyzed by the amount of questions I have." Cullen crossed his arms, glowering at Anders and Bob.

"Kindly refrain from turning those questions into violence on the spirit healer currently trying to help me." Bob suggested, glaring back at him, grumbling something about 'stupid gorgeous blonde ex templars'.

"He is, isn't it?" Anders remarked, eyeing Cullen with a pleasantly surprised expression. Cullen went pink, jaw dropping.

"Pretty in pink." Bob sighed, admiring the commander's blush.

"All right you two, enough. Before you make Curly's head explode." Varric ordered, a smirk on his face.

"Which head?" Bob asked, with a curious look. Cullen actually squawked, and Fenris rolled his eyes, dragging the ex-Templar outside.

Bob turned her gaze to Anders, considering him.

"I like you. Can we keep him?" She asked Varric, like a child asking their father if they could keep a stray puppy.

"Only if you take responsibility for him. You have to make sure he gets fed, take him for walks, but the moment he blows up one chantry..." Varric shook his finger at her in a mock threatening way.

"YAY THANKS DAD." Bob cheered, throwing her hands up and narrowly avoiding smacking the 'torn-between-laughing-and-protesting' Anders in the face.

"Easy on the 'dad'!" Varric cringed a little, with a weirded out expression.

"Oh please, I'm sure it's not the first time someone's called you 'Daddy'." She purred the last word in a sultry manner, making Varric turn a veritable rainbow of interesting colors.

"Maker's breath, I've created a monster." Muttered the dwarf.

Bob snorted.


	2. The Threat Remains Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mage training, Ram diplomacy, and Hardcore Parkour.

"Try again." Solas instructed, gently correcting Bob's grip on the staff.

"Woof." Grunted Bob, narrowing her eyes and attempting to twirl the staff, focusing her energy at the target.

A beam of orange light shot from the staff, hitting the mannequin with a weak thud. Bob scowled, and let her arms drop to her sides, Solas frowning with her at the training dummy.

It promptly exploded.

Mind you, it was a small explosion, contained to a tiny area, but nonetheless, it exploded into tiny bits.

The two stared blankly as the charred bits and pieces of the dummy floated gently down from the sky, like a morbid Clive Barker wet dream.

"Now, I'm no Mage," Varric began slowly, from his position at a safe distance, a flabbergasted Anders and Cullen by his sides, "But I'm pretty sure that wasn't suppose to happen."

"...At least it didn't turn into a nug this time." Solas sighed, with a resigned expression. Bob just sniffed.

"Mister Wigglenose and Leiliana are quite happy, thank you." She crossed her arms, after dropping the staff.

"I'd ask you to stop breaking the rules of magic, but it seems to be your schtick." Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling a heavy sigh.

"Breaking the law, breaking the law." Bob muttered, as if quietly singing to herself. 

"You guys are sure you can't just make me Tranquil?" Bob asked, glancing from face to face. She flinched back at the looks she got.

"What? Trust me, to me, being Tranquil sounds kind of awesome. No more desires, no more struggling with impulse control, no more unpredictable mood swings, no more invasive thoughts... Just peace. Nothingness. No more being afraid of myself. No more depression." Bob's eyes went distant, as she stared into space, an almost wistful expression on her face.

"Bob, why the hell would you ever think that?" Varric asked, in a strained voice. Anders and Solas both looked stricken, Cullen looked a special mix of destroyed and infuriated.

She turned her gaze to him, expression wry.

"Because I'm mentally ill? I have been since birth?" She almost felt amused at the look on his face, and immediately hated herself a little more for it.

"Just forget I said anything, yeah?" Bob huffed, her face hot as she knelt to pick up her staff. She meandered towards the gates of Haven, before anyone could say anything, her ears burning as her mind worked into overdrive, inwardly berating and cursing herself. 

This, of course, was why she ran smack into Quartermaster Threnn's back, the older woman embroiled in an argument with Fenris of all people.

"WAUGH." Bob met the ground, biting back a yelp as she landed flat on her ass.

"Are you all right, Herald?" Threnn's gazed down at her, a harassed look in her eyes. Fenris glanced down at Bob, arching an eyebrow.

"Nope, I seem to be all left." Bob blinked up at the two of them, waiting for the stars to leave her vision.

"Why are you two of all people bitching at each other?" She asked, getting to her feet and attempting to wipe herself off.

"The weapons the Inquisition is giving their soldiers are shit." Fenris said bluntly.

"And I told him, we're running on what we've got! We'd need a logging stand and a great deal of iron to get better weapons!" Threnn glared sideways at Fenris, the former slave returning it hotly.

"I can help with that. There's plenty of Iron in the surrounding area, and a fuckton of trees, got to be a good place for a logging stand around here somewhere." Bob offered, recoiling as both the elf and human's eyes snapped to her.

"No offence, my lady, but I doubt Lady Cassandra would be too pleased if I let you run out alone." Threnn said reluctantly.

"I will go with her." Fenris stepped forward, crossing his arms. "I have spent too much time cooped up in this village."

Bob blinked at him. 

"...Kay then. Follow me." She decided, turning on her heel and striding back down towards Haven's gates. She heard Fenris follow, and bit back a small smile. It faded as she spied Solas, Varric, Cullen, and Anders in a heated discussion.

"Shit. Don't want to get spotted by any of them right now. Stealth mode." She went over the right side of the gate, and plastered herself along the wooden walls, tiptoeing her way along. She glanced at Fenris, and barely bit back a squeak, realising he was following her lead!

"Quickly! Behind those tents!" The Elf hissed, an almost mischievous smile on his face. Bob dived forward, landing in an awkward pile behind Lysette's tent, the Templar watching her and Fenris with a confused expression. Fenris landed in a crouch, narrowly missing Cullen's gaze as the Ex-Templar glanced up towards the gates to Haven.

"Shh!" Bob placed a finger over her mouth, meeting Lysette's bemused gaze.

"Stealth training!" She insisted, creeping past Lysette's tent, out towards the path to the wooded area nearby. She glanced, and couldn't help but grin, seeing Fenris at her side.   
Upon entering the tree line, she broke into a sprint, passing Adan's old mentor's cabin with ease, and stopping against the rocks, panting slightly.

"I almost want to run away. To escape. But there's no escape for me." She huffed, leaning back against the stone, her eyes closing.

"You are trapped in their ideal of you." Fenris realised, staring at her with a tilted head.

She slid her eyes open, a wry smirk on her lips as she snapped her fingers and pointed at him.

"Got it in one. Look, my very own ball and chain," She waved her fingers at him, the mark on her hand glowing briefly.  
He took up the spot next to her, gazing out at the tree ridden landscape, Haven barely visible in the distance.

"I'm not even a person to some of them. Just a ethereal symbol. It's ironic, considering how pathetic an excuse of a human being I am." Bob said softly, almost under her breath. "And the worst part is that I know it's going to get worse."

The two stood in silence for a long time.

"Hey, Fenris?" Bob spoke up, glancing up at him.

"Hm?" He met her gaze, expression neutral.

"If I ever go bad, or get possessed, will you kill me?" She asked simply, grey eyes meeting his own. 

"I will." He answered, after a long moment of consideration, staring at her.

"Cool. Thanks." They lapsed into an odd but companionable quiet, looking at nothing in particular.

"Wait. Shit I forgot that we came out here to do a thing." Bob flailed off, and Fenris followed, shaking his head in amusement.

\-----

"Okay, while I am super glad to be out of Haven, and away from Commander Rutherford's kicked puppy face," Bob began, with an odd expression.

"I was thoroughly unprepared for this level of ram infestation." She shot a glare at Cassandra, as yet another ram bolted past them, bleating and weaving through the foliage in a panicked fashion.

"That's what, the twentieth goat we've seen?" Anders peered after the retreating and bleating creature with a flabbergasted expression. Even Fenris had a slightly stunned look to his features.

"Let me try something." Bob decided, as yet another ram sped towards them, placing herself in its path, much to her companion's displeasure.

The ram stopped short in front of her, braying in panic.

Bob bleated boldly at it in reply, and it paused, tilting its head. It baa'd back tentatively.

"You've got to be kidding me." Varric said flatly, staring at Bob and the ram. Solas looked as if he was struggling not to burst into laughter.

"I think you mean, you've goat to be kid-ding me." Anders corrected, outright snickering as Cassandra let out a legendary sound of disgust.

The ram and Bob inclined their heads to each other, and the ram trotted off at a more sedate pace.

"I have no idea what the fuck I just said to that ram," Bob noted, much to the collective face-palming of her companions. "But it seems to have worked."

"You have the weirdest luck." Varric said wondrously, after a moment.

"Right?" She grinned at him, a rare sight.

"You have a nice smile. A shame we don't see it often." Solas noted absently, before glancing after the Ram.

Bob walked into a tree.

\----

"So, I'm not allowed to just blow Mother Giselle off entirely?" Bob looked put out, toeing a dead rogue Templar with one foot.

"No, you aren't." Cassandra gritted out, glaring at her.

"All of my ugh." Sighed the herald, wandering over to where Anders was working his magic hands on healing some refugees, and trying very hard not to be noticed.

She noticed Mother Giselle nearby, and did her best to blend in with the crowd of refugees. Being the only person there wearing Stone Bear Armor, it failed pretty hard.

Upon seeing Bob, Mother Giselle smiled and began to walk over. Bob froze in place, looking like a startled cat. Varric chuckled from somewhere behind her, and she was tempted to whirl around and glare at him, but it was too late.

Mother Giselle was upon her.

"You must be the one they are calling the Herald of Andraste." Mother Giselle greeted, offering a smile.

"Neh," Bob replied intelligently, attempting to skitter away from the revered Mother, Cassandra thwarting her attempt almost immediately. At that moment, Bob very much wanted to set Cassandra on fire.

"I'm not the Herald of Andraste. Not even Andrastian. I'll go to Val Royeaux and do the thing Jesus Christ NO ONE SHOULD LET ME TALK TO NUNS." Bob screeched, escaping Cassandra's reach and disappearing into the crowd of refugees, leaving her stone bear armor behind.

"...I'm sensing a little discomfort with religion." Fenris dead panned, making Anders let out a giggle disguised as a cough. 

"She certainly is...spirited." Mother Giselle managed, after a long moment.

"She's on par with Hawke, eccentricities wise." Varric muttered, shaking his head with a bemused smile. "Blondie, why don't you go see if you can find her?" 

Anders nodded, and disappeared into the crowd, weaving his way through in search of a familiar head of dirty blonde hair.

About a half hour later, he located the Herald on top of a grassy roof, the woman staring out over the Crossroads with a blank, yet bitchy expression.

"How did you even get up there?" Anders wondered, blinking up at her. Bob peered over the edge of the roof at him.

"Hardcore parkour." She said simply, flopping into her belly so she could rest her chin on the edge of the roof.

"Right. I'll pretend I understood that." Anders gazed up at her, bemused.

"I don't really...like religion." Bob said reluctantly, after a long minute. 

"Really? I hadn't a clue." Anders snorted, which made Bob blush and grumble.

"No matter the world, religion is still the foundation so many wars have been fought upon. If you give a religion too much power, nothing good comes of it. Back where I'm from, a notable man once said; Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Bob murmured, grey gaze meeting Anders' own.

Anders could only stare back at her, mute.

"I might just be biased, however." Bob grumbled, after a long moment of awkward and silent eye contact. "Also you probably share my views, since you did make that one chantry explode in the most metal fashion."

She cringed at the look on his face. "Er, sorry, I keep forgetting people here have no concept of most of what I talk about." 

An awkward silence reigned.

"What is your world actually like?" Anders gazed up at her, curious.

"Well," Bob considered him gravely, "Magic isn't real, where I come from. It doesn't exist. There are no elves, no dwarves, no Qunari. There are only approximately over seven billion humans." 

Anders gaped up at her, speechless. 

"Gets worse. Technology and science where I come from is centuries advanced of what you have here. Think of the biggest city you know of, I guarantee that one atomic bomb will destroy it in seconds." Bob told him cheerfully.

Silence poked its head out again.

"Pornography is pretty great, though. If it turns you on, there are videos and pictures galore." Bob offered. "Doesn't matter if you like guys, girls, both, or all, there's something for you."

Anders just stared at her.

"I should get down off the roof, shouldn't l." Bob sulked, with a heavy sigh.

"I think that's best." Anders agreed.


	3. The Threat Remains 2: Threat Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Val Royeaux goes both awry and better then expected.

"This is a terrible idea." Cullen said, staring at Cassandra, Leiliana, and Josephine.

"An amusing one, though." Varric offered, from where he sat with Bob, teaching her how to play Wicked Grace.

"Well done, war council, we've successfully summarized the Inquisition." Bob snorted, managing to smirk and cringe from the looks sent her way, like a smug cat being threatened with a knife. 

"We cannot send the Herald to Val Royeaux alone!" Cullen insisted, with a impressive scowl, his fist slamming down on the war table.

"Well, if you're gonna be a big huffy lion about it, why not accompany me?" Bob eyed him, with a bemused expression. "Also, you're gorgeous when you're angry." 

Cullen went pink at her words, hand rising up in that patented response of his, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I am going to Val Royeaux. Have to. I'll be taking Fenris, Cullen, Solas, Varric, and maybe Cassandra if we can trust the defense of Haven to who's left." Bob stood from her seat, after collecting her winnings from Varric.

"Why do you need such a large company?" Leiliana wanted to know, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Shit's going to go down, and I'm going to need all the help I can get. Also, crowd control will be a required thing." Bob answered vaguely, having wandered around the table to stare up at Cullen at close range for a bit.

This, of course, did nothing but fluster poor Cullen to stammering incoherency.

"You guys do the details thing. I need to go do something other then this." Bob vaulted over the table, and broke free of the stuffy war room, sprinting down the chantry to escape through the double doors.

"...Why does she keep doing that?" Josephine asked, exasperated.

"Mostly because she can, I'd say." Varric shook his head, chuckling under his breath. 

\-------

"So, this is Val Royeaux." Bob stared up at the grand city, one eyebrow raised. Cullen shifted at her right, Cassandra on her left, Varric, Fenris, and Solas bracketed behind her.

"It's like Paris and Venice had a dirty one night stand and this was their love child." Bob mused, after a long moment of study.

"And who are they?" Cassandra asked shortly, glancing down at her.

"Not who, where. Paris is the capital city of France , and Venice is a city in the country of Italy. How many countries are there in this world, or Thedas at the very least?" She turned to Varric for the answer. 

He merely quicker an eyebrow at her, causing Bob to pout.

"In my world, there are at least two hundred and six countries, or nations. I'm from one of the biggest, or so I was taught." She informed them primly. 

"That...is a lot of kingdoms." Cullen said slowly.

"Pff. Monarchies are a minority where I come from. My country runs on a supposed democracy." Bob snorted, as they began to walk into the city.

Any further questions were delayed by a man and woman walking towards them, which caused Cassandra to push Bob behind her, the Seeker and the ex-Templar moving to block her from view.

"This is bullshit what the fuck." Bob complained, attempting to squirm free from the circle her companions had formed around her.

"It is for your own good." Solas said mildly. "We do not know what we will face up ahead other then your prediction that 'shit will go down'. I'm not completely confident in your reflexes to think you would be able to cast a barrier in time to save your life."

Bob eyed him, huffing like a enraged Pomeranian. "I respect your intention but resent being caged!" She grumbled, muttering unpleasant things about the elf under her breath.

When the woman passed them, she uttered a terrified gasp and nearly swooned.

"Someone's got their dramatic dildo in today." Bob snickered, the woman falling flat on her face in shock.

Varric barely muffled his cackle as a cough, assuming an innocent expression when Cassandra glared back at him.

Bob distracted herself by reading the vandalized plaques in front of the statues, as one of Leiliana's people a approached the group.

"Did you know the Templars were going to be here?" Cullen demanded of her, grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Yes." Bob stared up at him, face impassive. "And the Lord seeker, there's something extremely wrong with him. Depending on how things work out, we may have to fight him."

"Why do you never tell us everything?" Varric let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Because time isn't a straight line, and one tweak would probably make the clusterfuck that is the space time continuum implode." Bob replied amiably, ambling forward into the Summer Bazaar.

"Comforting." Fenris muttered, as the group moved to form up around her, much to Bob's displeasure.

They approached the crowd, Bob's expression sullen and moody within the confines of her companions.

Bob barely paid attention as the Revered Mother went on and on, before suddenly the crowd seemed to part, the revered mother pointing accusingly at her companions.

"I never claimed to be holy. We, the Inquisition, have only formed to restore peace and to put the Divine's murderer to justice. We want to stop the chaos before it is too late." Bob called out, putting on a brave and noble face, pushing past Cassandra and Cullen into view.

She immediately yearned for death, as literally everyone turned to stare at her. An introvert's waking nightmare.

To her credit, she only twitched minutely, all the while screaming inside.

"Regardless of intentions, it is too late! The Templars have returned to Val Royeaux!" The Revered Mother proclaimed, as Lord Seeker Lucius approached with a group of Templars.

Bob paled visibly, eyes locked on the Lord seeker. With a flick of her hand, she cast a basic barrier over the Revered mother, just in time as Knight Captain Denam swung at the woman. His fist bounced off the barrier, and the woman staggered back, glancing from the visibly irritated Templar, to the nervous and pale Bob, whose eyes were locked on the Lord Seeker.

"Before you start word vomiting crazy all over the place, let me just say, you're not doing a very good job of being Lucius. I mean, he's batshit in his own way, obviously, but you have the light of madness on full bright in those beady eyes of yours." Bob enunciated loudly and clearly, staring the Lord seeker straight in the face.

"Hello Envy demon masquerading as Lord Seeker Lucius." She gave him a jaunty wave, signalling her companions behind her back. "I gotta say, as ugly as you are in your true form, this one comes close. Ew." She wrinkled her nose, keeping the false Seeker's attention, as Cullen and Fenris worked to herd the crowd away to safety.

There was a long, terse silence, the few uncorrupted Templars backing away and drawing their swords.

And then Lord Seeker Lucius was promptly replaced by a massive shrieking Envy Demon.

Bob screeched back at it, as screams ran out around her, drawing her staff and falling into what she hoped was a dramatic and intimidating stance.

"We're going to have words about this, Herald!" Cullen growled, as her companions lined up with her, Varric loading Bianca with deadly efficiency.

"How many? Seven? Twenty five?" Bob asked curiously, making Fenris snort behind her as he ran his hand over his massive blade of mercy.

"Snark later, fight now!" Varric yelped, as the massive monstrosity that was the Envy demon leapt at them.

One over dramatic and frenzied battle later, with Bob delivering the final blow in a harsh kick to the Demon's head, the creature's body crumpling to the floor with a ear piercing shriek.

Silence reigned, all eyes on the Herald and her panting companions.

"Well that sucked." Bob noted, Cullen, Varric, and Cassandra all facepalming.

"Crudely put; but yes." Solar said mildly, leaning on his staff with a bemused expression. 

"I appreciate you, Solas." Bob sighed happily at him, before turning to the shell shocked chantry sisters and Templars.

"...So, yeah. Uh. By the way, Templars, Knight Captain Denam knew about the Envy demon and if any of you have taken Red Lyrium at his and the other higher up's encouragement, I'd suggest you stop, because reasons my good friends Varric Tethras and Commander Rutherford will tell you." Bob fidgeted under the weight of so many staring eyes.

Minutes passed.

"Okay, fuck this, Delrin's in charge of you guys, y'all are creepy," She clapped her hands together and made a washing motion.

"I'm out. Peace." She threw up two peace signs, and bolted, flailing off to disappear into an alley.

\----

"Explain this to me, again. You kill an Envy demon, in public, for all to view, run off, and return with the Court Enchanter Madam De Fer, and an insane Robin Hood elf?" Leiliana stared down at Bob, looming over her.

"I'm talented that way." Bob shrugged up at her, spying her other two advisors and Cassandra heading their way.

"At the very least, we have the support of the Templars we encountered in Val Royeaux. And we were invited to Redcliffe by Grand Enchanter Fiona." Cullen sighed, giving Bob a unimpressed expression.

"Shame I missed that. I wanted to talk at her about her son." Bob pouted, crossing her arms.

"I don't want to know." Cullen rubbed his forehead with a resigned expression. "I cannot believe we killed an Envy demon."

"Believe it. That reminds me, Herald, the abomination was stomping around here looking for you." Cassandra informed Bob shortly, making the woman pale.

"BOB." Roared Anders' voice, a door nearby slamming open.

"Shitfirefuckdamn." Bob squeaked, pivoting on her heels and bolting for the exit.

"I'LL FIND BLACKWALL!" She hollered over her shoulder, slamming the doors to the chantry behind her. And turned to continue her escape, and ran snack into Cremiscus Aclassi.

"Oh shit- wait holy shit you're Krem!" Bob squealed, hands clenching into fists and pressing close up under her chin.

"Uh," Krem replied intelligently, with a confused expression.

"We're gonna head to the storm coast to meet your chief real soon, I promise, and you guys are totally already hired!" Bob babbled happily up at him, before flinching as she heard Anders shout from behind the door.

"Do me a favour and distract the man behind this door with tales of your pansexual Qunari boss while I run away very fast." Bob begged, touching Krem's hand briefly, before bolting off in the direction of Solas' cabin, just as Anders got the door open.


	4. Wardens, Qunari, BEARS, oh my.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas and Bob have a chat, Blackwall is acquired, the Storm Coast sucks, Iron Bull is confused, and no one has fun at a Bear parade.

Bob peered at the doorway, paranoia rising within as she heard footsteps approaching. 

She slumped down, relieved, as Solas poked his head in with a bemused expression.

"You will have to speak to Anders eventually, you realise." Solas murmured, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

"Logically, I know that. But I'm going to take the path of waiting until he calms the fuck down. I didn't even get impaled or anything by the Envy demon, so it's not a big deal." Bob sulked, burrowing into the sparse furs over Solas' bed.

"I think it may be the fact that you warned none of us that we were up against an Envy demon beforehand." Solas told her, taking a seat next to her upon the bed.

"I didn't plan on calling him out like that, you know. I just, the moment I saw him I went 'oh shit' and acted before I even thought of a plan." Bob moped further, flopping over sideways, her head near Solas, peering up at him.

"You're sure you're okay with me being this...y'know, friendly and cuddly and shit?" She asked timidly, going pink at the small but warm smile she got in return.

"You know my secrets, Herald. You know who I am, what I have done, and you could not seem to care less." He answered simply.

"I still wanna see if you actually can turn into a giant wolf. That would be kickass." Bob remarked, determinedly ignoring the blush that was on her face, resting her head on his leg.

They sat in comfortable silence for a long few minutes, before Bob perked up, lifting her head. "I hear singing."

"Ah, yes, they are celebrating your victory over the Envy demon in the tavern." Solas told her.

"The fuck's wrong with y'all." Bob muttered, with a put upon sigh, drooping back onto the bed.

"Language." Solas said absently, reaching over to his side table to grasp a book, placing it upon his lap and beginning to read.

"Well excuse me, Captain Arlathan." Bob grumbled, tucking her feet under the covers. "I'm gonna take a nap. We're heading out to the Hinterlands tomorrow to acquire a Grey Warden."

"This is my bed." Solas pointed out rather petulantly.

"Learn to share, grandpa, I'm tiny and you're a twig." Bob made a face at him.

\-----

Bob strode forth with a enthusiastic determination that was rather unlike her, towards the location where she knew Blackwall was.

She could hear his voice, as he made a speech to the line of terrified looking men in front of him.

"Warden Blackwall?" Bob called out, stepping forward, Anders, Varric, Solas, and Fenris behind her.

"What?" The grizzled warrior glanced sharply up at her, and Bob barely muffled a squeak. Blackwall was much, much more handsome in person, compared to video game graphics. The blonde couldn't muffled a tiny strangled sound as Blackwall strode over to her, towering over the diminutive herald.

She jumped, as he abruptly threw up his shield, storm grey eyes going wide and focusing up on Blackwall's face. She felt her face heat up in a blush, as their eyes met. 

Something promptly exploded nearby, making Bob squawk and jump out of her skin.  
She heard the tell-tale sound of someone face-palming behind her.

"You appear to have blown up three or four men, Bob." Varric said dryly, and Bob buried her face in her hands, knowing she was glowing a vivid crimson.

"What." Blackwall sounded utterly baffled.

"Warden Blackwall, I presume?" Solas spoke, voice as calming as always, exasperated mirth in his tone. "May we present the Herald of Andraste."

Bob whined pitifully, peeking out behind her hands to see a stupefied look on Blackwall's face.

"Smaller then I expected." Blackwall muttered, and Bob dropped her hands, a fierce glower that would have looked more at home upon a dragon on her face.

"Say that to my face. I just accidentally exploded four men, say that to my FACE." She hissed, poking him in the chest, vindictively enjoying the look on his face.

"She's small, but fierce!" Anders chimed in helpfully. Bob whirled round and screeched at him, bristling like an angry cat.

"Right," Blackwall said slowly, "How do you know my name, again?"

"You're pretty much the last Warden in Ferelden, y'know, besides the King. All of your brothers and sisters in both Orlais and Ferelden have literally disappeared." Bob told him bluntly. "Heard you were in the Hinterlands and wanted to check if you knew what exactly is going on."

"I resent that, I haven't gone missing." Anders muttered to himself.

Blackwall could only blink owlishly at her.

"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't know, being a recruiter in a time with no blight. You wanna join the Inquisition? I've heard whispers of possible dark spawn in the Storm Coast, and since we're fighting a giant gaping green sky asshole that shits out demons, a warden could help." Bob stared up at him with a blasé expression.

"With an offer like that, how could I ever refuse?" The bear of a man replied dryly. Bob threw her hands up into the air, in a victorious gesture.

"I'm th'BEST." She hollered, bouncing up and down on her toes.

"Your natural charisma can win anyone over, my friend," Solas commented, only the vaguest hint of innocence in his voice. Bob pointed at him slowly, accusingly.

"Bitch." She pronounced, flouncing over and flicking his nose, before sauntering off.

Silence reigned for a moment.

"Is she always-?" Blackwall began, glancing at the others with an uncertain expression.

"Yes." Chorused Varric, Solas, Fenris, and Anders.

"TO THE STORM COAST!" Bob boomed, riding by on a strangely coloured ram.

\-----

"We've been here five minutes and I fucking _loathe_ it already." A shivering and thoroughly drenched Bob chattered, as she slipped and stumbled down the cliff side. 

"If you would stand still for one minute, I would happily cast a warmth charm," Solas sighed at her.

"No. The Iron Bull awaits!" Bob stomped forth, determined and stubborn, as they neared the beach where she knew the Bulls Chargers were fighting.

They happened upon the fray of fighting, and Bob ran screeching into the centre of it, swinging her staff like a lunatic. 

"Maker's Breath-" Blackwall charged in after her, shield raising high to block a blow that would have ended Bob's eccentricity once and for all.

"You get used to it." Fenris told him blithely, decapitating two men with one swing of his sword.

"Used to it, isn't therefore phrasing. You become resigned to it." Anders corrected, with an exasperated expression.

With all the powerful fighters in play, the group of Venatori didn't last long, and Bob stilled, watching with wide eyes as the Iron _Fucking_ Bull approached her with a curious expression.

Everyone was silent as the massive Qunari stared at the tiny five foot scraggly pale Herald of Andraste.

"Bruh." Bob bleated weakly, eyes wide as dinner plates as she stared stupidly up at the Iron Bull. Holy shit. It was one thing to see the Bull through a video game, but in real life it was almost overwhelming. The Iron Bull had to be almost eight feet tall, towering over her, a walking wall of gray muscle and power. 

"Well, shit, you are, a hell of a lot tinier then I expected." Iron Bull blinked down at her. 

"Well you're tall like a building." Bob replied a bit dazedly, before she doubled over in a sneeze. She let out a faint whine and straightened back up, still shivering from the rain.

"I told you to let Solas cast a warmth charm!" Anders growled, frustratedly stomping forward to check Bob's temperature. Bob flailed away from him, ducking behind the Bull.

"Anders for the love of God you are not my mother!" She screeched, peering at him around Bull's waist. The Qunari looked very bemused.  
"By the way you're hired, and make sure you bring all your Ben Hassrath reports to Leiliana!" She told the very confused Iron Bull, before flailing off, a scowling Anders on her tail.

"Uh," Iron Bull held up a finger, glancing at the others.

"Yes, she's always like that. She's a oracle, so always assume she knows everything about you." Varric listed off, with a faint smirk.

"Okay then." Iron Bull scratched the back of his head.

The relative calm was promptly shattered by Bob careening past them, Anders on her tail, both mages screeching at the top of their lungs; "BEARBEARBEARBEAR-"  
They were followed by a parade of very unhappy bears. 

There was much screaming and bear death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's shorter then usual. Fallout 4 stole my soul.


	5. In Hushed Whismurs, or, Bob cannot even.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redcliffe Village makes Bob act weird. Iron Bull is reconsidering his life choices. Felix accidentally performs a John Cena on our Idiot herald.

Bob stared, with wide, unseeing eyes, at the gate to Redcliffe Village.

"Uh, you okay, Boss?" Iron Bull asked in an uncertain voice, eyeing her warily.

"Bruh." Bob replied intelligently.

"She got like this before we ran into you, it's fine. Just nudge her a little."  
Varric said helpfully.

Iron Bull turned to Bob, who bristled. "Bull, you're the most kickass Qunari I know, but keep them giant hands away." She demanded.

The Qunari stared flatly back at her, nonplussed. She marched over, grabbing his wrist with some effort, and put his hand on top of her head.

"Bull, my head literally fits in your hand!" Bob squawked up at him, throwing her arms up and flailing. Iron Bull just face-palmed and started laughing at the small, strange creature that was Bob.

"As amusing as this is, we should probably enter the village, lest your antics draw unwanted attention." Solas reminded them gently, smiling as Bob huffed and whirled in place, ambling for the gate.

"I still don't know why Fenris had to stay behind. Anders, I can understand." Varric mused aloud, gazing at Bob's back.

"You'll find out." Was Bob's ominous reply.

"When you say things like that, I get the feeling things are about to go wrong." Blackwall muttered.

The group entered Redcliffe, ignoring the stares they received. After all, it wasn't every day you saw a pale bedraggled wisp of a woman leading a massive Qunari, a handsome dwarf, a bald elf, and a bear of a warden.

Bob made a brief detour up to a house with a slightly foppish blonde man and a strange ram, the latter trotting over to the fence to stare Bob in the eyes.

"What is happening?" Blackwall wanted to know.

"Shhh! She's communicating with Lord Woolsley!" The foppish man shushed him.

"The sooner you learn not to ask, the happier your life will be." Varric advised, smirking up at a befuddled Blackwall and Iron Bull.

"Catch up, nerds," Bob drawled at them, halfway down the hill and heading up to the the Tavern. "Someone's gotta make sure I don't blow the pub up."

"How in the blazes?" Blackwall spluttered, before doing a double take, as Solas was suddenly by her side.

"Fucking mages." Iron Bull muttered under his breath, bemused.

"We heard that." Bob sing-songed, appearing by his waist, and making the Qunari jump. 

"Boss! Come on!" 

\----

Bob stared dully at Magister Gereon Alexius, Blackwall and Iron Bull looming over her shoulders in a menacing manner that had everyone on the opposite side of the table sweating.

"So, shall we discuss terms-" Alexius began in an oily voice.

"Y'know, the Hero of Ferelden is off searching for a cure to the Calling. You know, that side effect of becoming a Warden? Which, I hear, saved the Hero's life from blight sickness or something." Bob interrupted smoothly, propping her chin upon a hand. Her words made Alexius pause, staring at her uncertainly.

Before he could say anything else, his son stumbled forward, and Bob got up, reaching out to steady him.

This, was a mistake, because Felix outweighed her by a hundred pounds, and the two toppled over like dominos, Bob squeaking.

Stunned silence reigned for a moment.

"Bruh." Bob squeaked at Felix, wide eyed. Felix looked beyond mortified, scrambling to his feet. 

" I am _so_ sorry, my lady!" He stammered, flustered. Bob was beet red, as Bull intervened and lifted her up.

"It's all right," The Herald tried, before Alexius bulldozed over, fussing over Felix non stop, ushering him out of the building.

"Well, that happened." Varric commented, ambling over from his seat.

"And the master story teller outshines himself again." Solas drawled, eyeing the door which Alexius had left through with distaste. "The boy, Felix. Blight?" He glanced at Bob, who nodded solemnly.

"He's a good man, Felix. His father, once, but now, not so much. Felix is like Krem," Bob looked up at Iron Bull, who raised an eyebrow. 

"A Good Tevinter." She elaborated. Bull blinked at her.

"And now we're going to the Chantry to meet another. I'm probably going to scream." Bob remarked, a bit dreamily.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" Blackwall puffed up, face like a storm cloud. Bob let out a quiet 'eek' and stared at him with a dazed expression.  
After a minute, she shook herself, and stood up. "Right, stop distracting me with your heroic good looks Blackwall." She ambled towards the door, stopping before the Tranquil.

"Hello." She greeted him, with a quiet, sad smile. "You are looking for an out, yes? I would be very happy if you, and the remaining Tranquil found their way to Haven." She told him gently, and after a moment, Clemence gave her a bland smile. "Thank you, Herald." 

They exited the tavern in silence. 

"Blackwall, after we go to the Chantry, can you talk to our men, make sure that all the remaining Tranquil are escorted safely away?" Bob asked quietly, staring straight ahead with a numb sort of expression.

"Aye." Blackwall replied, after a brief moment, voice growing grim to match her own. 

Varric and Solas exchanged a worried look, as the group approached the chantry. 

Bob rocked on her heels, pausing a moment, muttering incoherently to herself.

"Are we going in, or nah?" Iron Bull asked after a few minutes, visibly bored.

"Do not!" Bob threw her hands into the air, veering towards Bull, "Rush! Me!"

"Can we just go in, please?" Varric groaned, face-palming, and pinching the bridge of his nose.  
Bob squared her shoulders, and stroos forth, opening both doors with a simple force of magic. 

"I didn't teach her that," Solas muttered, blinking.

"Vivienne did." Varric smirked up at him, the expression falling away as the group watched a gorgeous tan man in White Tevinter Mage attire take out two demons.

"Ah! Good, you're finally here." The man gave them a smouldering smirk. "Now, help me close this, will you?"

Bob let out a strangled screech, and went beet red, flailing a hand up and crushing it into a fist. 

The surrounding demons immediately exploded, and with a flail, the rift slammed shut. Bob immediately clapped her hands over her face and wished to die, wondering why, dear god why, was she such a bizarre spaz.

"Well that was different." Iron Bull noted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -clears throat-
> 
> Hello. It's me.
> 
> I was wondering if after all these weeks SOMEONE COULD SAVE ME FROM FALLOUT 4 HELL
> 
> (no, don't, i will be murdered if I don't finish that Nick/M!SS fill)


	6. 6:In Hushed Whismurs Part Dos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob chats with Dorian, Felix is embarrassed, Dorian is ogled, and Bob is a pterodactyl.

"So," the Fabulous and handsome Mage drawled, after a long moment of stunned silence, sauntering over to a still beet red Bob. "You, are the infamous Herald of Andraste?" He eyed her critically.

Bob, being barely five foot two, a hundred twenty pounds, with the complexion of a corpse, wasn't even really phased by his obvious judging, still too awestruck, because DORIAN.

Blackwall, Varric, Iron Bull, and Solas loomed behind her protectively, all four crossing their arms and giving Dorian a vaguely threatening expression, which made the Altus blink and lean back.

"Your father's words do not make you. You do. You are who you were born to be, and you will only rise higher. You are, at heart, a good man, Dorian Pavus." Bob said softly, gazing up at the Altus.

Dorian visibly started, taking a step back, staring at the tiny Mage with bewilderment and just a small hint of fear.

"You're a Oracle?" His voice cracked, and he took another step back.

"So they tell me. I know why you're here." Bob replied blithely, as footsteps approached behind them, Felix coming into view. He went pink at the sight of Bob, who meeped and went red, staring up at him.

"Felix, is it? A pleasure to see you again, after you fell for our Herald." Solas greeted him amiably, a smirk on his lips.

Varric and Bob both groaned, while Blackwall muffled a snort and Iron Bull cackled.

"That physically hurt." Felix gave Solas an unimpressed look, which made Bob giggle.

"A-HEM." Dorian huffed, crossing his arms.

"Dorian!" Felix looked relieved at the sight of him, striding over to grasp his arm in a handshake.

"Felix! Alexius give you more trouble then usual?" Dorian grinned at him, visibly relaxing somewhat in the presence of his friend.

"Actually, he got really quiet and started asking Grand Enchanter Fiona about the Wardens. I think that he actually listened to what you said, Herald." Felix glanced at Bob, and both of them blushed again.

Dorian gave them both a funny looks before focusing on Bob. 

"Seeing as you're an oracle, I suppose you already know what's going on here." The Altus crossed his arms, staring at Bob.

"I know a lot. But there's only so much I can do least I risk the time space continuum having a shitfit and imploding, or throwing even worse shit at me." Bob replied stoically.

"That bad?" Dorian blanched, arms dropping. 

"Messing with time and history always is." Bob gave him a wry quirk of her lips.

"See, when you talk like this, it makes me nervous." Varric complained, glancing at Bob with concern.

"Everything I do makes you nervous. It's the dad in you, screaming to be let free." She wiggled her fingers at him, thoroughly enjoying the expression he gave her.

"Let your inner daddy free, Varric." She stage whispered at him, with a smirk.

"Please stop before you make his head explode." Solas sighed, as Varric gaped, face beet red and spluttering incoherently.

"Which one?" Bob asked innocently, causing Dorian to let out a barely muffled cackle.

"Oh dear, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, dear Herald." He grinned widely at Bob, who let out a squeak and flailed in place.

\----  
"Really? You go on a trip to Redcliffe, and you bring back a Magister?"" Fenris looked decidedly less then pleased, arms crossed as he stared down at Bob.

"To be fair, we are going back to Redcliffe to potentially kill a lot of magisters and cultists." Bob replied blandly, watching with open amusement as Vivienne and Dorian squared off, both the enchanter and the Altus' eyes narrowing.

"...Really?" Fenris settled, blinking and even smiling faintly at that. 

"Yes, you're coming." Bob added, and Fenris looked very pleased. 

"We are going to keep Dorian, also wanted you to know. He's wonderful, and while he can be a fop, he is a good man at heart. He wants to change Tevinter, he despises it all." Bob added softly, glancing up at him, proud to see a reluctant sort of acceptance in his eyes.

"We will see. Well, I will, I suspect you already have." Fenris muttered, tilting his head as Dorian let out an elegant guffaw, tossing his head at something Vivienne shot at him.

"You've got to admit, he is very pretty." Bob smirked, her own cheeks slightly pink, as she stared without shame.

"Oh yes," Anders sighed as he wandered over to stand by them, openly admiring the Altus.

"He is, not terrible looking." Fenris grunted after a moment.

"Utterly fuckable. Those lips." Bob bit her lower lip, unaware that Cullen and Solas had come up behind them, and were currently gawking at the diminutive Herald.

"From what I hear, he seems to like you," Anders chuckled, a blush on his face from Bob's words. 

"Ha! Not like that. I'm not what anyone would like." Bob nudged him, with a little lopsided smile. "Not to mention, I don't have a dick, so I'm lacking when it comes to Dorian's tastes."

"...Oh." Anders and Fenris now were both blushing. 

"I don't understand why you are so hard upon yourself!" Cullen blurted out, thoroughly startling the three and making Bob utter a loud, ear piercing shriek that could only be described as a pterodactyl screech.

Silence.

"What, in the world, was that?" Dorian asked delicately, both him and Vivienne staring at the now beet red Herald.

"Do not sneak up on me." Bob squeaked at Cullen, who looked mortified and oddly a little endeared.

"What in Andraste's ass is going on over here?" Varric demanded, strolling over with a flabbergasted expression.

"We were admiring Dorian, and apparently Solas and Cullen snuck up on us, and a certain dashing ex Templar decided to speak up and scare the shit out of me." Bob summarised bluntly. Cullen turned a even brighter shade of red, Solas coughed delicately into his fist, and Dorian stared at her with one eyebrow raised.

"You lot are weird." A passing Sera shot at them, making Bob snort. 

"Thanks Sera." Bob ambled after the elf, leaving the group to stare after her like idiots.

Cassandra stormed by, and moments later, stomped back towards the Chantry, dragging a whining Bob behind her.

"...Does Lady Cassandra do that often?" A concerned Dorian asked.

"Yes." Chorused the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I suck at being consistent. But this chapter had some fun moments!!!!!! I think.


	7. In Hushed Whispers part oh god how many of these are there why isn't this quest line done yet help me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A War Room meeting, and the beginning of the Redcliffe castle part of In Hushed Whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK I REALLY WANTED TO WRAP IN HUSHED WHISPERS UP IN THIS CHAPTER BUT NOPE
> 
> ALL THIS ANGST AND BULLSHIT SNUCK THEIR WAY IN.

"This is incredibly risky." Cullen was glowering, puffed up with frustration and protective rage.

"Risky is my middle name. Bob Risky Fuckface." Bob absently replied, studying the plans of Redcliffe castle.

The room went quiet, her advisors, Cassandra, Dorian and Varric all staring at her.

"Are you serious?" Josephine said in a strangled voice, after a moment.

"No. But the looks on your faces give me life." Bob hummed, with a cat-like look of satisfaction.

"Now is not the time for jokes!" Cassandra barked, slamming both palms down on the war table, sending pieces everywhere.

"Now's not the time to be making a mess, but look at you." Bob replied icily, eyeing the Seeker with no small amount of pettiness.

"Is there a problem?" Cassandra demanded, puffing up and stepping around the war table.

"Uh, yeah. There is." Bob glowered at her. "Literally, since the moment we met, you've been throwing me around and literally dragging me off places. Which, the rest of you," She glared at the rest of them, "Seemingly have no problem with her treating me like sack of meat."

The awkward silence that followed, made Bob flush a deep red, and she stood and stormed out of the war room. She couldn't tell whether she'd crossed a line or not, and that frustrated her more then anything.

"Hey Boss." She started, and glanced up, and up, and up at Iron Bull; who was gazing down at her with a curious expression.

"Hey." She mumbled, crossing her arms, standing before him like an awkward mouse in front of a bull.

"You want to talk about it?" Bull asked pragmatically, "Or do you want to learn how to kill a man with your bare hands."

"Bull, I love the way your mind works. The latter, please." Bob beamed up at him.

Bull grinned back at her, and lead her off for shenanigans. In the end, only five people got hurt, and there was only one small fire.

\-----

"So, why did you give us these knives?" Fenris asked slowly, as they approached Redcliffe Castle.

"In case shit goes wrong. They're for you to use, if there's no escape." Bob said solemnly.

"...You're joking." Varric blanched, staring at her with horror written on his face.

"I'm seriously not. Not even the slightest, that's how bad things might get." Bob sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes.

"I wish you had told us these things before we set out on these quests." Blackwall sighed. "I also noticed you didn't tell Cullen or Anders this. They're going to be ticked off at you."

"When aren't they upset with me, honestly. I'm pretty sure the entire Inquisition is at least sixty percent pissed off at me all be time." Bob snorted bitterly, as they approached the gates. "I'm pretty sure they'd kick me out or kill me if it wasn't for the mark."

"You have a very low opinion of yourself." Fenris observed.

"No shit, I would have never realised that if not for you." Bob dead panned, giving him a dry look.

"Castle, full of enemies, literally at the front door." Varric reminded them, with a raised eyebrow.

"Thanks Daddy." Bob snarked back at him, making the Dwarf go beet red and bury his face in a hand.

"Am I the only one feeling uncomfortable right now?" Fenris asked gruffly, a blush on his face.

"Maker, no." Blackwall replied shortly, his cheeks pink.

"My god, I'm surrounded by dirty old men!" Bob threw her hands into the air, as they entered Redcliffe castle.

"Good thing I like it~" She took the opportunity to purr at her companions, even as the steward came forward.

Blackwall, Varric, and Fenris all went a interesting shade of red, and squawked in unison.

The Steward stared awkwardly at them, one hand up.

"Don't even," Bob pointed at him, eyes narrowing. "They go where I go."

The Steward sighed, and gestured for them to follow, which they did, into the throne room.

Alexius was seated up on the throne like a wannabe Bond villain, Felix stood off to the side with a blank but long suffering expression.

"Look at you! Being cliche as fuck!" Bob hollered in greeting, throwing her hands in the air.

"Excuse me?" Alexius blinked at her, dumbfounded .

"There's no excuse for you." Bob sniffed, waltzing up to the throne to actually bop Alexius on the nose.

Silence.

"Did you really just-" Alexius began slowly, with a dumbfounded look.

"Can't stop, won't stop." Bob declared, bounding down back over to her companions. Varric was silently dying of laughter, leaning against a snickering Fenris. Blackwall had his face in his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.

"Oh Maker, what did I miss?" Dorian's voice came, as he sauntered around a column.

"Dorian!" Alexius stood from his throne, a bewildered scowl on his wizened features.

"Alexius." The Altus narrowed his eyes at his former mentor.

"Bob." Bob chirped, blinking when the two Tevinter mages turned to stare at her. "What?"

"Why do you never take anything seriously?" Blackwall asked the Inquisitor in an exasperated tone.

"Because if I stopped making jokes, if I stopped moving and doing things and distracting myself, I would shatter completely at the loss of the world I came from, the loss of everything I knew and loved." Bob said simply, with a shrug of her shoulders, smile strained.

Silence reigned.

"Oh." Varric replied weakly. "Is that all?"

"Varric, you have no idea what pizza is. No one here does. This kills me." Bob mournfully told him. "But I think I'll save the rest of my anguish filled monologue on the difference between my world and this one and how much I miss it for later, we're kind of mid cutscene right now." She turned her attention politely back to the baffled trio of Tevinter mages.

Cricket sounds were the only reply she got.

"It's like you've never met someone who ninjakicked down the fourth wall before, jeez." Bob grumbled to herself, stepping up to stand along side Dorian.

"Can we have less nonsense and more confrontation, please?" Dorian begged, giving the petite woman a weird look.

"You are a mistake!" Alexius hollered abruptly; staring at Bob, holding his amulet up, beginning to chant. 

"Tell me something I don't know!" Bob readied her staff, as Dorian shot off a spell at Alexius, bellowing "NO!"

\--

Being sucked into a time portal, sucked exactly as much as one would think. Maybe a little more, actually, now that Bob thought about it, on her hands and knees in disgusting dungeon water, wheezing as Dorian quickly took out the two Venatori who had charged them as they appeared.

"Did you know this would happen?" Dorian demanded, once the guards were dead, the Altus stalking over to her and helping her up.

"Yeah. I only hope Fenris and the others used the daggers I gave them." Bob coughed, leaning heavily against the other Mage. 

"What?" Dorian gave her a puzzled look. 

"I'll explain later," She muttered. "If there is a later. Come on. We should see if we can find any coherent prisoners." Bob managed to stand on her feet without swaying, and then promptly crouched down to loot the guards' corpses, making a triumphant sound as she pulled out a key.

Bob unlocked the door, staff held in her other hand loosely as she slunk out, Dorian prowling behind her.

"We're probably a year forward in time. It's gonna be bad." She murmured to him, as they jogged through the hallways.

They found an almost endless amount of corpses, and a half red Lyrium former Grand Enchanter.

"Is that..." Dorian began, horrified, and Bob swallowed a gag, feeling sick to her stomach.

Red Lyrim in reality, versus her memories of her many playthroughs, was horrifying. Fiona's skin was like marble in some places, the humming crystals poking through increasingly jagged and splintering cracks in her skin. Her eyes were hazy with agony and one had Red Lyrim growing out of her very iris.

"Fuck." Bob said in a small voice, the sight and smell of it all making her head spin. She clutched onto Dorian's sleeve in a white knuckled grip for support.

"H-How can this be?" Fiona moaned in agony, "You're supposed to be dead..."

"Not dead, kicked a year into the future." Bob said thickly. "I...Do you want the pain to stop?" She asked in a small, yet serious voice.

Dorian shot her a startled look, even as Fiona heaved and shook, the smell of her making Bob's eyes water. 

"P-please..." Fiona rasped, begging in a broken voice.

Dorian made to raise his staff, but Bob raised her hand, staying him. "It's my fault. I'll do it." She spoke softly, nudging him towards the door. Dorian didn't move an inch, despite his pale face.

Bob swallowed thickly, and steeled herself, picking up a bow that was laying nearby, and stringing an arrow.

"Thank...you.." Fiona rasped, as Bob left the arrow free, and it buried itself deep in Fiona's skull, making the elf's body slump forward in death.

"Fuck." Bob said in a quiet tone, after a moment, turning and heading for the door. Dorian followed silently.


	8. In Hushed Dear god this quest won't end someone kill me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Bob run into someone unexpected. And then more someones unexpected. Please be warned for some non consensual touching and sniffing that occurs in this chapter. Future!Thedas sucks and no one is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter. I bring you angst, panic attacks, mild potential shipping indicators, and Bob having a Bad Time.

"I don't suppose you want to talk about it?" Dorian eventually asked, as they continued to search the dungeons for any other prisoners. They hadn't come upon any of the three that had accompanied Bob to the castle, and she was beginning to get worried.

"Do I want to talk about how I just mercy killed the King of Ferelden's mother? No, not even a little." Bob muttered back, expression strained.

"Are you serious?" Dorian gaped at her. "Fiona is, er, was, King Alastair's mother?

"Unfortunately, yes. Don't know if he knows about her being his mother, though." Bob replied gloomily. "He's probably long dead anyways."

The castle suddenly shook violently, as a low, far off roar reached their ears.

"What the fuck?" Bob blanched, anxiety swelling up like a wave inside of her. She definitely did not remember that from her playthroughs, and they had already searched the dungeons entirely, finding no sign of her companions who had accompanied Bob to the castle.

"Oh, fuck, this isn't right, this isn't what I-" she babbled under her breath.

"You knew this was-" Dorian began, infuriated.

"Oracle. I knew SOMETHING like this was going to happen but it's not right, things have changed and I don't know what's going to happen. I'm flying blind." Bob snapped back, fidgeting helplessly in place, chewing her bottom lip anxiously.

"Well...Shit." Dorian sighed in reply, a hand rising up to rub his temple.

"Have you been spending time with Varric?" Bob asked curiously, momentarily distracted from the clusterfuck that was their lives at present.

"Why, yes." Dorian blinked at her. "However did you guess?"

"He has the kind of mannerisms that rub off on a person. He's just amazing like that. Or. He was. Considering that he's probably dead." Bob's face fell, and she stopped short, leaning against a red Lyrium free wall, covering her eyes with one a hand as a wave of overwhelming grief and warring emotions overtook her. 

She wanted to scream, she wanted to shriek and howl at the heavens, to tear the walls down with what magic she had, everything was suddenly so loud and jarring and her skin was so fucking tight and her heartbeat was thudding like war drums in her ears and she could hear Dorian frantically trying to calm her, but what was the use? Varric was dead, Anders was dead, Cullen was dead, the Inquisition was all dead and she'd failed before it'd even begun-

Suddenly, she wasn't against the wall, sallow gangly hands were upon her own on her face, as pale ghostly eyes locked with her own, from behind dirty straw blonde hair hidden under the brim of a massive circular hat.

A gasp bubbled up in her throat, as everything disappeared in the blossoming of disbelief and joy, as she whispered in awe, "Cole!"

"You know my name?" The spirit looked at her, puzzled, his expression slowly growing awed, then confused, then terrified, then confused again.

"Your world is a strange place, Oracle Bob." Cole said in a small voice stepping back with a deep blush, dropping his hands like he'd been burned.

"Yeah, I know." Bob couldn't stop grinning, her mood lifted considerably by the spirit's presence. 

"AH-HEM." Dorian cleared his throat, tapping his foot with a irritated expression.

"Dorian Pavus, meet Cole, Spirit of Compassion. Cole, Dorian Pavus." Bob drolly introduced, with a little smirk.

"I felt her pain, like a sudden shining star in the darkness, and left my friend and his army. They are the gates of this place, aiming for he who sits on the Redcliffe throne. She was being lost to the darkness and I had to help." Cole's earnest expression made Bob go pink.

"....Riiight." Dorian replied slowly, casting Bob a dubious look.

"He is a friend, not foe. And we'll hopefully see him again if we manage to get back to our time." Bob said simply. 

The building rumbled and shook, a low far away roar making the hairs on the back of their necks stand up.

"Come." Cole took off down the corridor, and the mages had no choice but to follow, keeping an eye out for Venatori guards. 

They found themselves entering the courtyard soon enough, Dorian stopping and staring up at the sky in horror. Bob shuddered, feeling an unearthly pressure in the air, as well as the smell of acrid decay and rift that she had come to associate with the Fade was interwoven with the air permanently. Video game graphics didn't do the sight of two dimensions split together justice, and she covered her mouth, lest a sob escape.

The wall up the stairs further into the courtyard promptly exploded inward, an earthshaking roar rending the air as a massive bloodstained white wolf leapt into view, tearing at the demons that were pouring out from the fade rift.

Bob felt her world tilt on its axis, eyes wide as she saw a grizzled war hardened Iron Bull, Varric, and Cullen leading the charge of a meager but desperate force behind the wolf, a massive, blue glowing form swinging wildly at the demons and shades.

"We have to help them!" She hissed at Dorian and Cole, bolting up the stairs and letting out a shriek as she brought down her staff upon a screaming wisp, destroying it instantly.

All attention snapped to her, as she threw her fade touched hand high and snagged ahold of the open rift, a fierce open mouth grimace on her face as she struggled to close it. Dorian ran up after her, covering her back as the demons attempted to swarm, and Cole appeared in a poof of smoke and swirling daggers, driving back any who would stop her.

Bob slammed the rift closed, a minor shockwave sending dust flying as it echoed throughout the ruined and dilapidated courtyard, the Inquisitor panting harshly as she glanced about.

"Bob?" Varric's voice croaked out, hoarse and filled with trembling disbelief, looking from her to Dorian to Cole for affirmation.

Before she could speak, the massive blue glowing form and the massive white wolf suddenly shrink down, down into two familiar faces that make the unkempt Inquisitor pale.

Anders, whose eyes are now permanently a glowing pale blue and his skin cracked and jagged, skin sallow and features haggard, and Solas, with a mane of long white hair, almost feral looking blue slit eyes, dressed in the armor of Fen'Harel, both men panting and trembling as they stared at her in disbelief.

"....I didn't die. Alexius was attempting to erase me from the timeline, my existence completely." Bob tried feebly. "Dorian and I were closest to him, and got sucked in when Dorian interrupted the spell. We literally only arrived in this timeline an hour ago."

"The important thing is, that if we can get to Alexius, and get that amulet from him, I can reverse the spell!" Dorian stepped forth beside her, with a strong point. "And by doing so, I can send Bob and myself back to that original moment, and prevent this timeline from ever happening."

Solas took a single step forward, his eyes fixated on Bob with the intensity of a desperate, cornered feral animal. Cole was rocking back and forth on his heels, eyes darting back and forth between Solas and Bob with a frightened; startled expression that told Bob everything she needed to know.

She took a step back, and Solas' shoulders tensed, eyes locked on hers, and she quickly fade-stepped past him, bolting for anything to at least duck away in for a moment, because the look in the elf, God, Mage, whatever the fuck Solas was, the look in his eyes both terrified her and made something deep inside her feel faint and weak and hungry.

Adrenaline made her stupid, stupid enough to think that he wouldn't be able to follow her, because soon enough, all the air in her lungs was being violently expelled in a whine like yelp that tore from her throat, as Solas forced her up against the rough castle wall, his nose finding her throat as one hand tugged her head to the side, exposing her neck, inhaling deeply and letting out a gasping desperate sound.

It's instantly more confusing when she realises that Anders had followed him, the other Mage shoving his way in so that she's suddenly the meat in a way too intense sandwich that she had no idea that she was even slightly a part of.

"What the fuck-" She gasped out, hands scrabbling at the two of them, both of them just holding onto her like a lifeline.

"You were GONE-" Solas rasped against her collarbone, his long fingers digging into her hips in a way that made her breath hitch and her head foggy.

"Dead. The Elder One took over Thedas, killed Empress Celene, had a demon army, Solas revealed himself as Fen'Harel as a last ditch effort and tore the Veil half open. You were gone; and dead, and hope and light and everything good was gone and now as we assault that Tevinter bastard's castle you appear, alive, unharmed, as young and stubborn as the day you left us behind in Haven for that reckless mission-!" Anders' voice was a rasp as he babbled, practically ranting as he gazed into her eyes, his breath hitting her lips.

"You both smell terrible and this is less comforting then either of you think it might be." Bob managed to whisper, hands clenching and unclenching. "I know. I know it was all horrible and indescribable and soul-destroying, but you NEED to understand that for me it has only been days since I saw you last, and I am not your possession, or woman, never in our relationships has this ever BEEN OKAY PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME-" Her voice was trailing into a shriek, and inside her was a tornado, a hurricane of too many emotions for her to compute and her throat was closing up, she couldn't breathe-

And abruptly, the mages were torn away from her, and Cole was there, not crowding her, but pulling her away from the wall, further into the courtyard; where Dorian, Iron Bull, and Varric were glaring at the shamefaced and stricken looking Solas and Anders.

"Are you alright?" Dorian asked over his shoulder, with worried frown.

The shorter of the two pale, scraggly unkempt blondes didn't respond for a long moment, almost leaning against Cole as she struggled to regain control of her shallow panicked breathing.

"We time jumped a year into the future, I had to kill the former grand enchanter to at her request, the Fade and Thedas are one, oh, and apparently it's okay, to, you know, shove Bob against a wall and touch her without her consent." Bob hissed, eyes narrowed into slits, voice pitch ranging on hysterical.

There was a pause.

"I don't think I'm going to be alright for a long time. I'm functional and that's all I need to be." Bob said very quietly. "I'd very much like for us all to hurry the fuck up to Alexius, and his amulet. So we can reverse all this and we can go home and I can deal with newfound vague PTSD in my own time. That sound good to you?"

Dorian nodded mutely, as did the rest, and they moved out.

No one pointed out the fact that Cole hadn't let go of the Inquisitor's hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, feedback. Always good. Also, just imagine the kind of indescribable hell the companions and the Inquisition went through when Bob and Dorian disappeared, in realistic terms. Everyone's crazy and feral and desperate, not cracking jokes and coherently telling us plot, Bioware.


	9. In Hushed Whispers; THE FINALE OF THIS DAMN QUEST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob and Varric talk, a showdown with Alexius is told in flashes, we do the time warp again, and Bob is probably going to get yelled at later for how disrespectful she acts towards a certain King of Ferelden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday, April Eighth. I'm 24. Have chapter.

"How many goddamn Red Templars am I gonna have to kill to get to your fucking mentor?" Bob snarled, slamming a Red Templar archer into the wall with a blaze of flame from her staff. 

"Why in the world are you asking me?" Dorian snapped back, a cut on his brow as he threw up a shield over the two of them, Cole spinning and slicing like a ballerina made for murder.

Varric was close behind, Iron Bull behind him keeping Solas and Anders a respectable distance from the irate Inquisitor. The rest of the meagre forces were following behind, spread out and clearing rooms best they could.

Bob fumed, as they slaughtered the last enemy in the kitchens, stalking off to take a breather in a secluded alcove. She started, as she heard someone follow her, turning around warily. Her shoulders slumped in relief, and she offered Varric a tiny, strained smile.

"Hey Moony." The dwarf greeted quietly, walking over to her. The haggard look to his features, how gaunt his face looked, broke her heart. She leaned against the wall, and slide down, wrapping her arms around her knees.

"I'm sorry, Varric." Bob mumbled faintly, after a moment of silence.

"For what?" He quirked an eyebrow at her, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips. "I don't think it was your fault that Alexius' spell backfired."

"For all of this." She huffed at him, a reluctant smile appearing.

"Again, not your fault." Varric nudged her gently, and she glanced at him sideways through her scraggly pale bangs. She felt a lump in her throat, and warmth rise in her cheeks from the way he gazed at her. 

"Did you ever get to see Bianca again, this past year?" She asked quietly, hiding a faint smile when he started.

"No... No I did not. It doesn't matter, anyways. Losing you was more important." Varric replied softly, after a pause.

Bob turned such a bright shade of red, an onlooker might have feared she was about to burst into flames. 

"After all, without you, there was no way to close the rifts, no Hero to rally behind. Maker knows what happened to Hawke, or the Hero of Ferelden." Varric continued, with a sigh, which caused Bob to deflate. 

"Fuck. Now I feel worse." The Herald sighed, head dropping to hide her face in her knees. 

They sat in silence for another moment longer, before Bob looked up at the dwarf.

"We should get going." She mumbled, getting to her feet. There were so many things she ached to say, dancing on the tip of her tongue, but she swallowed them down, and gave the haggard dwarf a grim smile.

"Just a second." He grabbed her wrist, and tugged her down to his level, and proceeded to cause her brain to malfunction by planting a kiss upon her forehead. "Missed you, Moony. Make sure you tell me when you get back, tell me this." He whispered something into her ear, which she carefully memorised, repeating it inside her head even as she went a deep crimson. 

\---

The confrontation with Alexius, with the husk that was Felix, seemed to occur in blurred flashes for the Herald.

Flash. Bob screaming, screeching at the top of her lungs, being held back by Iron Bull from launching at the Magister.

Flash. Felix was dead, his blood on her hands, and Alexius was howling like a wounded animal, blasting them all back with a wave of magic.

Flash. Alexius screaming in agony as a blast of pure chaotic magic sent by Bob hit him in the shoulder, taking the shoulder and the arm to meaty bits.

Flash. Dorian working on the spell, and hold Bob back as she watched with wet eyes as Iron Bull and the others, sparing Varric and Cole, went to buy them as much time as possible.

Flash. Dorian was yelling her name, but she was frozen, she couldn't tear her eyes away from the sight of her friends, her companions being slaughtered. Varric falling back, throat gouged open, gurgling and using the last of his energy to boom "GO!"

And then in a blaze of colours and sounds Bob found Dorian and herself returned to their proper time, a startled Alexius before them.

Before Dorian could even speak, Bob launched herself at the Magister and delivered a solid haymaker to his wizened face.

"FUCK YOU." Bob spat down at Alexius' groaning' form, still covered in the blood of the alternate timeline companions. She gestured to the Inquisition soldiers that were waiting in the wings, a scowl on her face, blood smeared down over one eye all the way to her jaw.

"Get him out of my sight. Felix, please stay put, I wanna talk to you about if we can find a way to get you to become a Grey Warden. That'll give you more time. Dorian, we're not going to discuss what happened in that timeline until you and me can talk privately about some things." She ordered roughly, voice hoarse after the last twenty four hours.

Bob collapsed onto the throne that the magister had previously occupied, leaning against her staff with her eyes closed. Dorian nudged her over and sat down beside her, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Why are the two of you suddenly chummy?" Fenris asked testily.

"Oh, don't you know? Going through an incredibly traumatic experience together is the best way to bond." Bob shot back, with a withering glare that spoke of how exhausted the petite woman really was.

She stared into space, expression blank but brows narrowed as the King of Ferelden marched in with his Soldiers.

King Alistair was handsome, but in a still somewhat boyish way. Must be the elven blood in him, she mused to herself, staring him down as he demanded that the Mages leave Ferelden. 

"I didn't think that even a King could get away with talking to his mother like that." She commented idly.

Instant silence, Alistair's eyes wide as dinner plates and his jaw dropping. Fiona looked stricken and panicked. Fenris, Blackwall, Varric, and Dorian all face-palmed.

"I said that out loud, didn't I." Bob said blankly.

"Yes. Yes you did. I want everyone out, I would like to speak to the Grand Enchanter alone." Alistair demanded.

"Everyone out but me, Dorian, Felix, the King, and Fiona. We've got things to talk about too, mister lover of cheese wheels." Bob narrowed her eyes and pointed at the King of Ferelden, who went an amusing shade of pink, even as the room cleared, leaving the five of them alone.

"Oh, no. Another Oracle?" Alistair all but moaned, covering his eyes with one hand. "This is the third one! First Marcus, then the Champion of Kirkwall, now the Herald of Andraste?"

"Call me that again and I'll punch you, King or not. My name is Bob." The herald huffed, standing up reluctantly and limping her way down to where the Grand Enchanter and King stood. Dorian joined her after a moment, Felix following him hesitantly. 

"You two are Wardens. You were wardens. This," Bob all but dragged Felix forward, making the Mage yelp.

"Is Felix Alexius. Without his help, we wouldn't have known what his father was up to, and we wouldn't have been able to evade his father's trap. Felix, is also dying of the Blight. Is it wrong of me to assume that either one of you might know a warden or two who could assist him into becoming a Warden. Or something." Bob informed them bluntly. 

"Also yeah, Fiona is your mom, Alistair. You might as well tell him, Fiona, while you're still in Redcliffe. Cause, the Inquisition'll love to have you as full allies, y'know, and anyone who says different is gettin' words from me and my glowy hand." Bob added, as an afterthought, leaning against Dorian with a woozy, exhausted yet grumpy expression.

"Well put. Shall we go find a bottle to crawl inside?" Dorian asked blandly, arching an eyebrow down at Bob.

"I don't drink but after the day I've had, I might as well start." Bob mumbled, and the two mages staggered off for a long conversation and a longer drinking binge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How would you guys feel about there potentially being romance?


	10. The Aftermath of Redcliffe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob has flashbacks, Anders and Bob talk, Solas breaks a door and generally inconsiderate about it, Bob gets serious and prepares for Inquisitor mode by making plans with Leiliana and Vivienne, and Bob and Blackwall bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story is becoming less crack with every chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> -stalks over to a corner and y e l l s-

Arriving back in Haven, was stressful to say the least. Bob immediately took refuge in her cabin, refusing to speak to anyone besides Dorian and Varric.

She couldn't get the stench of Red Lyrium out of her memory, like rotting corpses and minerals mixed together in a vile concoction. The image of Varric falling to the ground, throat gouged open made her feel physically ill. She couldn't even look at Anders, or Solas, without remembering what their alternate selves had done. If Cole and the others hadn't intervened, the Herald shuddered to think of how far it would have gone.

And she was in no way near the right headspace to ponder whether she would have wanted them to or not. 

"Bob?" She heard Anders' voice call, his tone filled with concern. "Are you going to come out of there any time soon?"

The blonde felt like a statue, suddenly flashing back to that fucked up future timeline, her back against the wall, Sol-no, Fen'Harel pinning her against the cobblestone and Anders, what was left of him, grasping harshly at her, eyes sans pupils and that vivid pale blue, his features worn and haggard like she'd never seen.

"Bob?" And she was jerked from her memories by Anders waving a hand slowly in front of her face, the older Mage wearing a very concerned expression. 

Bob valiantly fought down the instinct to violently recoil, heart pounding in her chest as she stared up at the spirit healer with grey eyes wide as saucers.

"Oh, ah," Anders stepped back, a shamed look on his face. "My apologies. Dorian told us some of what had happened, but, your reaction speaks volumes."

"Dorian is gonna get his ass kicked for telling things that aren't his to tell." Bob hissed under her breath, gritting her teeth as rage flared up inside her like a geyser, here one moment and gone the next, simmering in the background, waiting to erupt again.

"Alternate Future timeline you and Solas pinned me to a wall and got too friendly. Dorian and Cole and the others stepped in before it could go too far." Bob explained quietly, not meeting Anders' gaze, but not looking away far enough to miss how his expression turned stricken and horrified.

"Don't. Don't look at me like that." Bob insisted, finally turning her gaze back onto the healer, swallowing thickly, reaching out with trembling fingers and grasping his wrist. 

"It wasn't you. It was but it wasn't. It wasn't the Anders standing before me, with his eyes shining full of unshed tears of frustration and self loathing." Bob said firmly, in a quiet voice, as he sat down heavily next to her on the bed. If she was honest, she didn't know if she was trying to convince him or herself of it.

The two mages jumped nearly a foot in the air, yelping in near unison as the door to her cabin slammed open abruptly, a fuming Solas looming in the doorway with such a dark and cold fury in his eyes that for a moment, she doesn't even recognize him.

And then she noticed that he'd broken the door to her cabin, and the rage geyser flares up inside her again.

"SOLAS YOU INCONSIDERATE BALD FUCK!" Bob howled at him, startling the elf visibly, and making Anders fall off the bed in alarm.

"Excuse me?" Solas snapped at her, trying to regain his dignified rage, but Bob was having exactly less than none of it.

"You BROKE my DOOR!" Bob flailed a hand at the broken object in question, jumping to her feet and stalking forward. "And if you're here to yell at me for what I think you are, you're wrong. I didn't tell Dorian anything. Future you revealed himself and lead what was left of the resistance in the Alternate timeline." She hissed up at the elf, poking him hard in the chest. 

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I can't, I can't be alone with the two of you right now. Not so soon after. Ask Anders why." Bob grabbed a long coat and threw it on, before shoving past the bewildered Solas. She grabbed her favourite pair of rough hide gloves on the way, slipping them on as she stalked away from her cabin. 

The petite Herald ignored the whispers and awed glances she garnered from those she passed by, used to the reactions her mere prescience brought. And if that wasn't a chilling, depressive sign of growth, she didn't know what was, considering how it had taken Varric practically holding her hand to even coax her from her cabin, after the first Breach sealing attempt.

She found herself at the opening to Leliana's tent, her arms crossed, wrapped around herself against the chill wind.

"Herald?" Leiliana lifted her head, gazing at her with a puzzled look.

"Come with me, please?" Bob asked in reply, tilting her head towards the Chantry.

Leiliana studied her for a moment, and then nodded, stepping away from her table and falling into stride easily alongside Bob, as the two of them entered the Chantry. 

"Vivienne," Bob called out, spying the elegant Mage off to the side.

"Yes dear?" Vivienne glanced at her idly, noting Leiliana's presence with a curious smile.

"Come with us please? I want to discuss something serious." Bob requested quietly, clasping her hands behind her back. 

"How mysterious. Lead on then, my dear." The taller Mage stepped in line, elegant and graceful in a way that Bob could never achieve.

Bob lead them down into the Catacombs, which she'd had cleaned of dust and cobwebs, and into the previously locked study, collapsing into a chair. She'd had a few of the soldiers help her drag in a few comfortable chairs and had a fireplace installed, creating a quiet, cozy space.

Vivienne and Leiliana blinked at the change in the decor, but sat down.

"I'm sure news has reached your ears of what happened in Redcliffe," Bob began lowly, curling her legs up underneath her. "And I've been thinking over this for awhile now, but what happened in the alternate future only steeled my resolve." She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, before gazing at them with a blank if solid expression.

"One of you will be Divine. I do not know which, but my backing in the future will be a heavy deciding factor. The Mage circles as they were, should not return. Something new should come in return. Perhaps entire schools dedicated to magic, taught by mages to other mages? They should be free, but not free to cause chaos. And for those who don't wish to be mages, there should be another way, more ways then just Tranquility as a way out!" Bob flushed, realising she'd been practically ranting at them.

"You make a few interesting points, dear, but why should we believe you?" Vivienne gazed at her, lounging in her chair like a predator.

"How long has Bastien been ill, Vivienne?" Bob asked simply. "How many potions and spells have you tried?"

Vivienne was stunned into silence.

"That's all, I guess." Bob mumbled, flushing deeply and curling up in her chair, staring dully at the flickering fire.

A minute passed, before the two older women stood and began to leave. "Leiliana, if you see Blackwall, send him my way." Bob mumbled, before the spymaster left. Leiliana nodded, and left the Herald to her own devices.

She closed her eyes, and exhaled a long, exhausted sigh, wearing weariness in every inch of her frame. If being the Herald was this tiring, she was afraid of how being the Inquisitor would feel. But it's not like she had a choice, after all.

She shivered at the chill in the air, and stared miserably at the empty fireplace, wishing that her control over fire wasn't so sporadic and dangerous. Bob closed her eyes, it would be fine if she rested her eyes just a moment, Blackwall would be here any moment...

Bob awoke to a flame in the fireplace that warmed the entire room; and a gloved hand on her shoulder, gently shaking. She blinked slowly, glancing up through bleary eyes at a concerned Blackwall.

"Ah, apologies for waking you, my lady, but I heard you wished to speak with me?" The bear of a man actually pinkened faintly, standing up straight and assuming a military stance.

"Well f'one, you don't have to call me my lady, you've seen the kind of crazy asshole I am, plus I'm not actually a noble or anything," Bob sat up straight in her chair, rubbing her eyes with a hand and yawning up a storm. She grimaced and slipped out of her long black coat, which made Blackwall go red, and collapse in a seat opposite her.

"Regardless of whatever birth you are, my lady, your status still-" Blackwall tried again feebly, and Bob gave him a flat look.

"Blackwall, I will dye your hair pink if you keep it up. You can do the whole my lady thing if you want when we're in the company of strangers, but if it's just us, what the fuck." Bob huffed, crossing her arms.

"I," The bear of a man sighed, running his face with one hand. "As you wish, m-...Bob."

"Thank you." Bob settled back, satisfied. There was a long moment of silence.

"Would you mind if I started spending more time with you?" She asked, all of a sudden, making him blink.

"Ah, of course not, but might I ask why?" Blackwall asked awkwardly.

"Redcliffe was, thought-provoking to say the least. I need to get to know all of my inner circle." Bob tried for an explanation.

"Does this have to do with the way you look at Varric when you think no one is watching?" Blackwall arched an eyebrow at the dying whale noise that promptly escaped the Herald.

"While its true that I feel some kind of way for Varric, I'm also sadly not stupid enough not to realise that he will never ever feel the same way for me." Bob mumbled, avoiding Blackwall's gaze. 

"Am I really that obvious?" She moaned pitifully, dragging both hands over her face.

"Unfortunately, yes." The Warden told her, obviously amused. 

"Ha ha, laugh it up, you big beardy bear." Bob griped, sulking and curling up further in her chair.

"It's just a crush. I can get over it." She mumbled to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Bob might sing once or twice, war tactics might get discussed, and a precious compassion spirit might appear.   
> Also just to make it clear, ROMANCE ISN'T LOCKED IN YET.  
> How do you guys feel about a sex scene? I promise it wouldn't be random, and would actually tie into things. I can always toss the idea of Bob thinking she's going to die going up against Corypheus and not wanting to die without knowing the intimacy of being with someone like that entirely, however, or do a fade to black, or post it separately.
> 
>  
> 
> BY THE WAY IM AT TUMBLR AT JUSTAGIRLCALLEDBOB SOMETIMES I TALK ABOUT THE FIC


	11. Haven Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob has a panic attack, Fenris and Bob chat, a misunderstanding is had, and Bob manifests which elemental spell tree she'll eventually master.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In your hearts shall burn is coming soon. This took forever, and I'm not pleased with it.

When Bob heard from Fiona and the mages that they would be ready within seventy eight hours to seal the breach, she promptly disappeared to somewhere private to curl up into a ball and have a complete and total breakdown/panic attack.

It was too fucking SOON. She wasn't ready, not in the slightest, she wasn't ready to seal the breach, to face Corypheus, to become the fucking Inquisitor!

Suddenly, there was a hand in her hair, and she recoiled in alarm, scrambling back, because how the fuck had anyone found her, in the abandoned cabin of the deceased Master Taigen?

"Fenris what the shit you scared the fuck out of me!" Bob drew back, glad she was already on the floor.

"Why are you on the floor?" He asked, with a bewildered expression.

"Why are you not on the floor?" Bob replied smartly, leaning back on her palms and quirking an eyebrow up at him.

Fenris considered her retort, and shook his head, a bemused look on his face. He held out a hand to her, and lifted her up on her feet, jerking his head towards a pair of battered chairs. 

"Are you going to give me the talk? Because while I may be a virgin, I'm pretty sure I know more about sex then most people in the Inquisition. " Bob commented idly, following along and noting that he was still holding onto her hand.

Fenris paused, gave her a strange look, and let go of her hand. "No."

"You can't veto my sex knowledge." Bob snorted at him, sprawling into one of the chairs like a ragdoll.

"You are the very picture of grace and femininity." The elf replied dryly. 

"Suck my ass." The Herald shot back, slouching further. "How'd you find me? Basic deductive reasoning?"

"Obviously. And Varric wanted me to find you." Fenris replied dryly.

That sent a cold shiver of solemnity down the Herald's spine, making her straighten and twitch in her seat.

"Oh. Why?" Bob avoided Fenris' gaze, gritting her teeth in irritation at the smug, knowing look on his face.

"You've been avoiding him, and he's concerned." Fenris shrugged, and she let out a long slow exhale of breath, rubbing her face with a hand.

"Damn it. I was hoping he wouldn't notice," She cursed under her breath, her scraggly hair falling in her face. It was getting rather long, longer then the unkempt pixie style she usually had it in. Bob wondered briefly how and where even one went to get their hair cut in Thedas.

"Your mind works in strange ways." Fenris noted, arching an eyebrow at her.

"So they tell me." She griped. 

They sat in silence for a long awkward moment.

"Do you know what I miss from my world?" Bob spoke up suddenly, aching to change the subject from Varric.

"What?" Fenris dutifully asked, although to her ears, he did sound curious.

"Music. What I've heard here, and anything I hear here, will never compare. There's something so freeing in losing yourself in the riff of a roaring guitar, something primal about Heavy Metal and Rock an' Roll, or drifting away to Instrumental. God." Bob sighed wistfully. "If I only had my phone, it had most of my music collection on it... I'd almost give anything for the kind of peace my world's music gave me."

"What's a phon... Never mind. If you miss your music so much, why not spread it here to the bards?" Fenris suggested, resting his cheek against his hand.

Bob paused.

"....Well, it's something I can try, at least. With some of the songs that I know. Like the sound of Silence." She mumbled to herself, trailing off into unintelligible muttering.

Another minute passed, Fenris growing uncomfortable from how Bob muttered to herself.

"Come, it's time you returned to Haven." The Elf decided, standing up.

"Ugh." Bob slid off her chair and skulked towards the door, Fenris on her trail.

————————————  
The doors to the chantry slammed open, making the trio of Advisors plus Cassandra and Varric flinch.

"YO LISTEN UP HERE'S A STORY. ABOUT A LITTLE GUY THAT LIVES IN A BLUE WORLD." Bob hollered, rather than sang.

"Why?" Cassandra asked, exasperated.

"Why not?" Bob replied smartly, ambling over, avoiding Varric's gaze and standing by Cullen, ignoring the confused blush on the ex-templar's face.

"What are you guys discussing?" The petite herald asked bluntly, crossing her arms.

Silence met her question.

"Me, then?" Bob asked, with a scowl.

"We were discussing possibilities for what would happen after all this is over." Cassandra said bluntly. 

"And what gives any of you the right to decide my future? I'm not underaged, I'm not drooling and witless, what makes you think I'd roll over and accept any of this?" Bob spat, feeling rage burst up inside of her like a geyser, her hands clenching into fists.

"We weren't-" Cullen protested, reaching for her shoulder, and she recoiled, with a venomous stare.

"Don't touch me, mister 'Mages aren't people!' Don't!" She hissed, feeling the tension in the room skyrocket, an almost electric feeling to the air.

"Herald, your hands!" Josephine gasped in shock, and Bob glanced down.

Pale lightning danced over her clenched fists, the smell of the Storm cloying as it filled the room.

"...Fuck y'all." Bob managed, forcing the storm down and out, the sensation leaving her dizzy. She turned on her heel and practically broke the door down as she stormed out.

She felt like she was going to explode from anger, embarrassment, a whole mix of emotions she was too enraged to name, a hurricane brewing inside her that could level cities-

"Bob!" She went still, as Varric's voice reached her, and slowly turned around, feeling the storm crackle in the air around her as she stared stonily at the dwarf.

"Do you want to come to Kirkwall with me, after all this? That's what we were discussing. I figure it's your brand of chaos back home, and we both know you're not one for the Great Game." Varric asked her calmly, walking with slow precise steps towards the irate Mage.

"...Oh. That's what...?" Bob felt her face flush a deep red with shame, the storm dissipating as quick as it had come.

"Yeah." Varric affirmed, with an awkward nod. 

Silence.

"Well, I think I'm just going to go to bed, then, because today has just kind of sucked." Bob turned on her heel and ambled off towards her cabin, leaving a bemused Varric behind. 

Of course, Bob would not get her way, running into Vivienne who'd just been informed by Cassandra of what had happened.

Impromptu magic control lessons, were the absolute worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sex scene might not even happen/just get written as its own thing separate to this.


	12. A note from the Author.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something big and sad happened in my life. It'll interfere with me writing this fic. Figured you'd wanna know.

I don't know when I'm going to update this next.

My dog died today. My dog Lily. She was a Pomeranian chihuahua mix. 

She was my sunshine, and I had to put her to sleep. I didn't want her to suffer.

I'm not going to be in a good place for a long time, and I don't want you guys to wonder if or when the next chapter's coming.

I'm really sorry. Please understand.


	13. Haven no longer: In Your Heart Shall Burn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Breach is sealed. Haven is attacked. A battle told in five flashes of five senses. A game of thrones reference. A small New Vegas reference. Bob and Cole go ham. Everyone else Greatly Disapproves. And a conversation between a creature who wishes to be God and a woman.

Sealing the Breach, in reality, was not so anticlimactic, as it was to watch it as a cutscene. 

To feel the power of the few Templars they had suppressing the Breach, to nearly drown in the influx of power from the assembled rebel Mages, was an experience she knew she'd remember for the rest of her life. 

She barely remembered the aftermath of the sealing, passing out from exhaustion and overwhelming overstimulation. 

Bob awoke in Anders' cabin, his hands hovering over her with that familiar blue glow.

"Did I damage myself again?" Bob asked, with a resigned air.

"To put it simply, yes." The spirit healer told her shortly; pausing his healing to give her a wan expression. 

"Do you have a death wish?" He asked bluntly.

Bob sighed, propping herself up on her elbows to gaze into Anders' eyes, grey meeting soft brown.

"Some days I do." She answered honestly, in a quiet voice. "Some days I don't."

Anders gazed back at her, a sad yet understanding look in his eyes. 

The door promptly burst open, making both mages yelp in alarm, and they stared at the intruding Iron Bull with wide eyes and frazzled expressions. 

"Hey Boss, cute healer, you two coming out to celebrate?" The Qunari asked with an unrepentant grin.

Silence.

"You think I'm...cute?" Anders said dumbly, with a vivid blush. 

"And that, is my cue to get gone." Bob declared, making for the door, only to be stilled by the sound of screams and distant rumbling. 

"...Fuck." She breathed, racing out of the cabin and over to where she saw Cassandra, skidding to a stop beside her.

The sight of the army crawling over the mountains took her breath away.

She'd known it was coming, of course, but, to hear the panicked yells of the villagers, the jarring warning bells, it all filled the previously exhausted Bob lightning quick up with adrenaline, heartbeat pounding in her ears like roaring thunder. 

She smelled the storm in the air, static crackling and fizzling, and glanced down at her clenched fists, noting blankly that they were enveloped in lightning and sparks.

"Maker, what is happening?" Cassandra gasped, "We need to get to the gates!" 

"It's the Elder One." Bob said simply, vaulting over the ledge and rolling as she landed, Varric joining them along with Fenris and Bull. "He's come for me. He won't stop until Haven is buried and I'm dead."

"Always a source of comfort, Moony, aren't you?" Varric quipped, voice strained and expression tense. 

"Like a bloody ray of sunshine," Fenris agreed darkly, as they neared the gates, Cullen, Josephine, Dorian Anders, and Solas waiting for them.

"It's a massive force, the bulk over the mountain," Cullen was saying to Josephine, voice terse and a grimace on his handsome features.

"It's the Elder one." Bob told him, pushing forward and past him, one hand briefly upon his chest as she did. She didn't notice the blush it caused or the look he gave her.

"You're certain of this?" The former Templar pressed, and she glanced at him, nodding and turning to the rest of them.

"Get everyone who isn't a soldier back to the chantry. Have our mages use mine spells and our soldiers put traps at choke points and prepare for the worst. Focus on defence and evacuation, people," She commanded, straightening her back and holding her head high.

"I'm going to be blunt. There's no way to save Haven the town. But if we're smart, we can save Haven's people. Go!" She barked, which spurred then all into action, Dorian, Vivenne, and Anders rushing off to coordinate the mages, Solas moving to follow them.

"No, Solas, I want you with me." Bob said sharply, eyes glinting almost venomously. The look on her face conveyed a message for the paling elf alone. 'I want you to personally see what your actions have wrought.' It seemed to convey to the mage.

"Is this really the time for whatever the Hell you two are doing?" Varric asked sharply, making the two mages jump, even as the gate doors jolted, a familiar voice on the other side. 

"I can't come in unless you open!"

Bob's entire face lit up, and she slammed open the doors with a swishing movement of her staff, bolting out to the startled noises of her companions.

Cole blinked at her, after shoving the large Venatori thug's body off his blade. A moment passed, as the herald and Spirit stared into each other's eyes, before understanding passed over Cole's face. 

"You know?" The spirit asked, and Bob nodded, as Cullen and Solas strode up next to her, Varric not far behind. 

"Know what?" Cullen demanded, visibly frustrated, "Herald, what is the meaning of this?"

"We're so fucked and not in a fun way." Bob told him bluntly, pointing with her staff at a cliff, Cole mimicking her gesture.

Atop said hill; stood an a wolfish, haggard looking man in red Templar armor, and behind him strode up an abomination that Bob knew could only be- "Corypheus." Bob said grimly; causing Varric to curse, and Cullen to jerk in alarm.

Her head swam, and she shook her head as tunnel vision bled in, making her disorientated, a panic attack bubbling in her throat as she saw the crystallised monsters that were the red Templar forces advancing.

"Kill the girl, and let the woman be born." Bob whispered, closing her eyes for the breath of a second, then letting stormy grey snap back open.

Flash.

The feel of the storm in the air, lightning striking foes at random as Bob, Varric, Solas, Iron Bull and Cole fought. An arrow landing in her shoulder, only for Solas to yank it free and heal the wound with magic so powerful it made her head spin. 

Flash.

The stench of the Red Templars, like acrid rotten flesh and singed sinew, choking the air and mixing with the smell of blood, almost making Bob gag, as finally, finally, the Trebuchet fired, and then, of course, they were running, the scent of smoke dancing briefly in their noses as they ran to the other Trebuchet.

Flash. 

Being unable to hear much over the roaring of her heart beat in her ears, the screams of the dying and the terror of the villagers, the taunting and snarling of the Red Templars as Bob's friends fought to keep her safe, as the Herald aimed the damn Trebuchet. The joyous cheering that rang out, when a great portion of the army was buried in the avalanche she'd caused, died as quickly as it came, as that damn ball of corrupted fire exploded the trebuchet.

Flash.

The dragon, in real life, was so much worse then she could have imagined. So much worse. Twisted, and warped, it barely resembled the creature that she'd faced down time and time again while holding a controller, half rotted and rotting, exposed organs and muscles. The very sight of it felt Wrong to her eyes, like something that was not supposed to exist, that shouldn't be existing as it were. It roared, and it was almost a howl, of agony, of rage, of desperation to die. 

Bob did the only thing she could. She screamed for her companions to run, and booked it, only stopping to aid the stubborn blacksmith and then drag him along with her, bolting towards the gates, glad for her compatriots beating her there.

Flash.

All Bob could taste was ash, blood, and bile. After rescuing as many citizens as they could, they had made for the false shelter that was the Chantry. Bob could barely hear what was being said around her, her eyes locking onto Cole, who was meeting her gaze head on. Thanks to her somewhat earlier evacuation orders, Chancellor Roderik hadn't been wounded, and already had told Cullen and the others of the path. 

Bob exhaled a long shaky breath, exhausted and yet trembling with adrenaline at the same time. She nodded at Cole, who fidgeted, but stepped over to her side, the Spirit obviously having read her mind. 

"Enough." Bob commanded, causing Cullen, Varrick, Solas and Cassandra to silence in surprise.

"Evacuate to the path the Chancellor spoke of. I'll buy you time and cause as big a distraction as possible." She said firmly, stepping back towards the doors to the Chantry.

"Herald! You can't be thinking of going alone!" Cassandra bellowed, making to join her, Varric and Solas wearing expressions that showed they were in agreement with the Seeker. 

The Herald turned on her heel, taking Cole's hand, and the two bedraggled blondes disappeared in a cloud of smoke, the chantry shaking violently and a wooden beam falling from the ceiling to block the doors.

\------

Bob bit down on the inside of her cheek, to muffled a yelp, as abruptly she found herself and Cole outside.

"Fffffucking hell that felt weird," She breathed, laying down a row of lightning mines before a group of incoming Red Templars. 

"I've never...taken someone with me before, to do that." Cole mentioned, leaping towards a pair of Red Templar archers and burying his daggers in their skulls, kicking their bodies away. 

Bob made a 'wyueh!' sound, shooting him a startled look as she promptly slammed her staff down with both hands, causing a massive bolt of lightning to hit the tavern and set it ablaze even more so than before.

The two of them bolted past the towering inferno that was the Tavern, Bob repeating it twice more to create two more raring bonfire that were cabins, like massive beacons to the abomination that flew above, and then the rogue and the Mage ran like hell itself was on their asses to the last trebuchet. 

Bob practically threw herself at the wheel to aim the trebuchet, and Cole kept watch. Bob was slightly pleased to find that they were only encroached upon by three small waves of Red Templars, no sign of the behemoth that would have been Knight captain Denam, who they'd apprehended in Val Royeuax.

Bob finished aiming the Trebuchet, and thought of what was to come next, and she glanced at Cole, eyes going wide. "Cole, get somewhere safe! Or go to the others!" She warned him, earning herself an alarmed stare.

And then, the world became red, and the Herald found herself on her back, the abomination dragon having landed in front of her. She froze, keeping her eyes on the red flames next to it, and just like a nightmare, through the fire and the flames strode Corypheus, the corrupted magister, spewing the same spiel he said in the game, but with a twist.

"Now bow before Corypheus. Bow before your new God!" Corypheus commanded, his voice deep like an eldritch bear roaring alone in a silent forest. 

Strangely, Bob felt a sense of calm wash over her. Either she'd die here, or she wouldn't, in any chance, now was a prime time to work some magic.

"In some worlds, God is just another word for Monster." Bob said quietly, eyes sharp as the abomination of a man towered over her.

This made Corypheus pause, red eyes narrowing upon the scrap of a woman. Bob took that as the okay to continue.

"I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that the Black City is empty, and that there is no creator. I say, good. Then maybe this world can outgrow its need for gods altogether, if it's allowed to. Though, I doubt you can remember the feeling of mortality." She tilted her head, slowly getting to her feet, narrowing her eyes right back at the eldritch being.

"Can you even remember who you were, before Corypheus? Before the Fade, and the Black City?" Bob asked softly, "Can you even remember if you had a family? People who loved you? Do you even remember what love is?"

Corypheus went very, very still, staring down at the Herald with a vile intensity. 

"How much do you know-" The magister began, and Bob snorted.

"I know more than you could possibly imagine. For reasons beyond your comprehension. I even know why the veil exists." Storm grey eyes glared back at Corypheus with utter contempt. "You know, you're actually rather pathetic-" Her word cut off in a scream, as suddenly he was _right there, in front of her, holding her by the front of her armor, he was touching her he was holding her neck and that was too much he was too close-_

"SILENCE!" The creature roared into her face, and Bob felt faint, she could smell him, and she wanted nothing more then death to escape the scent, the texture of the claw, his damn breath-

And she screamed, again, and again, as his magic attacked the anchor, trying to remove it in a far more violent manner then in the games, the pain was like needles driving into every single pore of her hand and vibrating, and it was traveling up her arm, and her voice was going hoarse-

The next thing she knew, was the harsh solid pain of being thrown against the trebuchet, and Bob heard bones cracking and fracturing from the impact. Agony ruled her being, and her mouth opened in a scream too intense to be anything but silent.

"You've ruined the anchor you idiotic-" Bob faintly registered Corypheus' ranting, and wheezed. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a flaming arrow being shot high into the air.

THE SIGNAL! 

Adrenaline shot through her veins so lightning fast, she almost gasped aloud, and Bob forced herself to stand, grabbing the nearest sword. 

"You're an idiot. I'm also an idiot. But I'm a distracting idiot " Bob informed Corypheus painfully, before slicing the Trebuchet's rope.

The blonde Mage summoned the last of her magic to fade step towards where she knew the mine shaft was, hearing the eldritch Magister's bellow of rage just before she dove down into the black.

Everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been awhile, huh? Sorry about that. So, short version, after my dog Lily died last year, and starting to work for my dad, I waited until August and ended up adopting a 2 and a half year old teacup Pomeranian, we named him Chewbacca. Then, in September, our dog Toby, who was almost sixteen, his body began to just fuckin' shut down and his legs stopped working so we had to put him to sleep. Two dogs in one year is tough. Then, my great aunt hazel's cancer came back, and in 2017 she passed. Cut to June. My Nana, my paternal grandmother, who has been around as long as I've been alive, after literally wasting away and suffering in a hospital after WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SIMPLE OPERATION WITH A SIX DAY ATAY AFTERWARDS, she passed away. I won't get into it but it's a fucked up situation and we're actually going to sue the hospital cause they fucking killed my perfectly independent nana. ANYWAYS HI MY LIFE HAS BEEN ROUGH.


	14. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob faces her toughest enemy yet, snow.

Coming to consciousness was a battle. A battle made of pain, and cold, and ow.  
A long, dragged out groan escaped her before Bob even considered the idea of opening her eyes. 

A whine had her eyes snapping open in alarm, because not only was it not a human noise, but it was a dog noise. 

DOG.

THERE WAS A DOG NEARBY.

She hissed, as she pulled herself into a sitting position, grey eyes darting about in search of said canine.

Lying on its side near to her was a black furred Mabari, its left hind leg bent at a bad angle, muscled body shivering from either the pain or the cold.  
She dragged herself closer to the wounded dog, freezing when it lifted its head to stare at her.

"Hey pup." She whispered, one arm wrapped around herself, trying her best not to focus on the agony that surely was several broken ribs. "You end up here the same way I did?" 

The Mabari gazed at her with a wary look, a low growl emanating from its throat. 

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not...much of a threat right now. And to be honest, I'd never be a threat to a Doggo like yourself. Are you a good boy?" Bob asked gently, unable to stop herself from smiling as the mabari's tail wagged slightly. 

Struck by an idea, Bob used her free hand to search through her armor, thinking maybe an elfroot potion had survived the clusterfuck of a fall. She let out a triumphant noise, pulling out a phial that was half empty, a large crack that spiderwebbed down the neck responsible for its state.

"Hey, pup, you thirsty?" She uncorked the phial, and offered it slowly to the wounded Mabari, who sniffed it cautiously, before letting her pour it out for him to drink.

Bob let out a relieved sigh, as the tell tale shimmer flowed over the dog's body, the Mabari letting out a huff as its leg corrected itself.

"Alright buddy," Bob managed to push herself up onto her feet, biting back a whimper as a bolt of agony flashed through her side, making her hands tremble. "Let's see if we can make our way out of here, yeah?"

\--

The less said about Mark of the Rift, the better. 

\--

They were out of the caves, at last, and Bob swallowed, throat dry and aching, as she stared at the blizzard before them.

"Fuck." The Mage muttered, one hand braced on the Mabari, the other wrapped around herself. She glanced down at the dog, and narrowed her eyes, an idea forming in her head. 

She pulled off a bandana that Varric had given her back what seemed like years ago at this point; and tied it around the mabari's neck.

"Okay, pup," Bob forced herself to crouch, nearly falling over from the way her side screamed in protest.

"We're going to be following the trail of my friends. If I can't go on, at any point, I want you to go forward without me." She told the Mabari meeting his intelligent eyes, managing a weak smile. 

"If you find my friends, one of them smells very strongly of wolves, an elf. If you can get his attention; maybe you can save us both. And don't even give me a look, doggo, I know that healing potion didn't heal you one hundred percent." She said firmly, gently booping the mabari's nose.   
The Mabari let out a whine in reply, nudging at her hand with an almost reluctant expression. 

Bob gave him a Look, and leant back against the wall, pushing herself to her feet after a minute or two of pained struggle.

"Right...time to get frostbite then." The Mage mumbled, turning towards the vast snow ridden mountain pass that lay before them. 

Heaving a sigh, Bob and the Mabari set forth into the cold, the first brush of blizzard taking her breath away.

\--  
The sound of several familiar voices snarling at each other, embroiled in an argument that could wake the dead, was the first thing Bob registered next, much to her surprise. 

Opening her eyelids felt like she was trying her hand at heavy weight lifting, and Bob let out a noise better suited to a generic horror game zombie, pitifully trying to raise a hand to rub her eyes.

"She's awake!" Came a voice that made her heart ache, and Bob couldn't help but whine, eyelids finally fluttering open as she was greeted with the sound of many feet shuffling over towards her.

Immediately, the mage wanted to shut her eyes and go the fuck back to sleep. Hovering over her, wearing expressions that were a mix of concern and fury, were Varric, Anders, her advisors, Fenris, Solas, all of her companions with the exceptions of Cole, Vivienne, Cassandra, and Sera.

"What the fuck? Y'all trying to scare me back to the brink of death?" Bob croaked, trying to lift her arm to swat them all away. "Geddoutta my face."

"If you didn't have five cracked and two broken ribs, a sprained ankle, and a dislocated shoulder, I'd be kicking your ass for the stunt you pulled back in Haven, Moony!" Varric growled back at her, several of the others nodding in agreement. 

"Your actions were incredibly foolish! You could have been killed!" Solas all but shouted, the elf's shoulders stiff and eyes narrowed with anger.

"Yeah, so? I didn't fuckin' die and all of you survived, and I had Cole backing me up!" Bob shot back in return, still trying to sit up. Anders pinned her down with a hand on her shoulder, a wild, dangerous look on his face that promptly made Bob reconsider trying to get up.

Their fuming gazes burned into her flesh, making her eyes burn and her face flush, and Bob let out an irritated huff, clenching her eyes shut and gritting her teeth, a wave of self loathing flowing over her as she felt tears begin to slip free. 

"Shit." She heard someone murmur, and there was a sound of dispersing, which did little to ease the weight on her back, metaphorical or not, and she rolled over onto her side, curling up in an attempt to stave off the chilly air.

"Kid..." Varric's voice rolled over Bob, comforting even if she didn't want it to be. "You gotta know that what you did was risky, right?"

"Was worth the risk, to keep alla you safe." Bob felt a violent wave of self loathing as she was unable to stop herself from hiccuping. "...And 'm not a kid."

Silence took over, the soft rumble of the camp around them fading to background noise.

Bob reared up abruptly, startling Varric to the point of almost knocking him off his seat, and bleated; "THE DOG!"

"What dog?" Varric asked slowly, an eyebrow raising slowly. Bob turned a frantic wild eyed gaze on him.

"The Mabari that was with me! Where'd it go?" She demanded, a hand scrabbling out and grabbing onto Varric's arm.

Varric considered her carefully for a long moment, that only served to make her even more nervous.

"Moony, when we found you, you were alone. There was no trace of a dog."

Bob stared at him, expression comical.

"GHOST DOG!" The entire encampment jumped as the howl echoed throughout the valley, and there was much confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I know this was short, but it's something? I'm probably going to skip the Journey to Skyhold, to be honest, because when we get there, that's when things will start getting real fun. Sorry for making you guys wait.


End file.
